Singles' strategies

Advertiser Staff and News Services

Jon Orque The Honolulu Advertiser

Coupled with the lack of someone special to turn to during and after the Sept. 11 crisis, many singles feel out of place during this time of togetherness.

"Holidays provide opportunities for reflection about the growth and personal progress we've made in the last year," said Neil Clark Warren, relations psychologist and author of "How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less" (Thomas Nelson Publishing; $10.99) and founder of eharmony.com, a relationship-building Web site.

"Singles may feel as though they've failed to live up to their own expectations with regard to finding and forming a loving romantic relationship," Warren said. "These feelings of frustration and anxiety are only amplified by events of Sept. 11." Warren suggests singles counter frustration by setting personal goals and thinking of others.

The slump among singles has indeed hit the Islands, said Dee Dee DeSoto, owner of Kindred Spirits Hawaii, an activities and adventures service for singles.

"I think single people were more depressed than married people after Sept. 11," said DeSoto, whose business sagged for several months. "So I gave everybody I called a pep talk, because staying home is not going to make anyone feel better. I know this is a hard time for everyone, but you've got to get out there and have fun."

Kindred Spirits plans outings such as hikes and whale-watching trips to bring people together. It's not a match-making service, but DeSoto said it gives people a stress-free way to meet friends.

The group offers about 15 activities a month. Events start at about $10 for nonmembers. Memberships start at $60 for two months.

"The focus is on the events," DeSoto said, "and if you happen to meet someone, that's the icing on the cake."

Ways to deal with feeling lonely

Neil Clark Warren and eharmony.com offer a short list of suggestions to help individuals deal with stress and feelings of isolation brought on by the holiday season and compounded by recent events:

• Focus on the needs of others. Make a genuine attempt to help them with their problems. It's a time-tested truth that when you help other people, you feel significantly better about yourself.
• Focus on the positive in your life rather than what is missing. When you are in a spirit of appreciation, life takes on a brighter hue and your positive response will help lift your spirits.
• Forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. Forgiveness is the key to freedom from the past; hope is the key to maximizing the future. Stop thinking about last year's disappointments; set your mind on 2002.
• Spend time with people who love generously, listen carefully and take you seriously. Select your companions based on their unselfishness, and draw strength and assurance from those around you.
• Set goals to reach your potential this year. Make a list of your positive attributes and design a strategy for maximizing them.
• Explore the depths of giving, of unselfishness, of hope, of getting a hold of the future. Determine to make this year a launching pad from which your life will be propelled to a significant new level of contentment and anticipation.
• "We have experienced record numbers of users to our site in the last few months, indicating that many singles across the country are seeking long-term, committed relationships," Warren says. "This holiday season can be a time to explore one's life and make positive changes."
• Whether online or on the street, a positive attitude attracts positive people into your life. How you treat yourself is how others will treat you. Take the best of this year and make the new year even better.

Advertiser staff writer Tanya Bricking contributed to this report. Reach her at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.