Home alone — but prepared

By Esme Infante Nii
Advertiser Assistant Features Editor

Hawai'i parents who leave their children home alone during the work day — a common occurrence because working multiple jobs is so common — might be surprised to learn that, from a strict legal standpoint, it amounts to breaking the law.

Because there is no state law that says when it's OK to leave a child alone temporarily, and because those younger than 18 are legally children, every child is supposed to be under continuous adult supervision.

But, "OK, let's get real here," says Johnny Papa, the intake supervisor at the state's Child Protective Services office. "This is a latchkey-kids state."

It would be impractical for officials to drag into custody every child periodically left alone. So officials called to investigate questionable situations look at each situation case by case — at the child's age, maturity level, responsibilities and the people he or she can depend on in emergencies, Papa said.

The lesson for parents is that they should consider many of the same issues when deciding on the age and circumstances at which they'll leave children briefly to fend for themselves, Papa said.

But the dilemmas are easier discussed than solved: What are the concrete signs that children are ready to care for themselves, at least in the afternoon? And what can a parent say and do to help ensure a child's safety and well-being?

Often parents also have psychological baggage to deal with: Leaving children to themselves while parents work or conduct other business makes many parents feel guilty. It can be even tougher on parents who are single, who have limited resources or who may not be able to afford baby-sitters or childcare programs.

If you have found leaving a child at home alone is the best or only option, you have lots of company. More than 6 million U.S. kids under age 13 are latchkey kids.

Generally speaking, child-development experts say a child should be at least 12 before being left alone, and at least 15 before taking on the responsibility of caring for a younger sibling.

And, "never overnight, even if it's a 17-year-old," Papa said.

Papa, Honolulu CrimeStoppers coordinator detective Letha DeCaires and other experts suggest parents include these issues in their deliberations:

• Age and maturity: Does the child have a track record of responsible behavior? Maturity level is just as important as age. "You might have a 15-year-old mentally retarded child, and you have a duty to protect that child, as opposed to a really akamai 9-year-old who is mature enough to take care of a sibling," DeCaires said.
• House rules: Are there clear expectations about what the child is and is not allowed to do when alone? The child should be mature enough to honor them.
• Responsibilities: Will the child be expected simply to stay home quietly, or will he or she be expected to look after siblings, cook, do heavy chores and run errands? Look at whether the child is responsible enough for those duties.
• "Lifelines" and resources: In an emergency, does the child know how to call a parent? Are there neighbors who are ready to be called? Nearby relatives?
• Environment: It's one thing to leave a child alone in a home where an aunt lives next door and the neighbors are friendly. It's another thing to leave a child alone on, say, a farm where the nearest neighbor is half a mile away, Papa said.

"The bottom line is, you have a legal duty and care over a minor," DeCaires said, and the consequences can range from misdemeanor to felony charges if the child is left in a situation that officials see as dangerous.

"Generally speaking, parents have a good idea of when it's appropriate or not. Parents who are aware of who their children are have a good sense of what their judgment is. I think that they can generally make the call based on that," said Larry Rosenburg, clinical director for the Child Guidance Center of Southern Connecticut.

When done properly, the experience actually can be integral to building a child's sense of independence. "They need to be allowed some latitude but still have the security of older people should they need it," he said.

Anita Ferreira, a Kapolei mother of two grown boys, recalled how guilty and nervous she felt when she first returned to work, leaving her then-teenage sons on their own after school. She used to call home "every half an hour, it seemed like."

But as they proved their reliability, she wasn't the only one glad. "As they showed they could take care of themselves, I let them have a few more privileges, like letting them visit a friend's house for an hour before going home," she said.

Receiving awards for demonstrating responsibility built up their sense of self-reliance and even seemed to help prepare them for the transition to college, when they would need to make decisions themselves, she said.

Gary Kleeblatt, a spokesman for the Connecticut Department of Children and Families, stresses the importance of leaving children with the proper tools to stay well and safe. "If they've been left behind alone without food, they can be older and it can still be cause for neglect. ... If they're younger and an aunt is next door, there's food and the parent is gone for 10 minutes ... all these things are extremely circumstantial."

Above all, Kleeblatt urges parents to err on the side of caution.

"If you're not sure about leaving them alone, don't do it."

Advertiser news services contributed to this report.

Tips for creating an ideal situation

These rules you can teach your kids to follow when they're home alone are ironclad and time-proven.

• If someone comes to the door, don't answer it. Period.
• Never tell anyone who calls that your parents aren't home.
• Keep a set of house keys in a safe place.
• Know how to report an emergency to authorities.
• Above all, don't burn the house down.

But beyond that, what is a parent to do?

While there are no easy answers on leaving children alone at home, parents who do should address the situation in two ways, say authors Judi Hopson and Emma Hopson and family psychologist Ted Hagen, who are columnists for Knight Ridder News Service.

First, help children feel safe. You want to reassure them about the situation. Second, make sure they are physically safe.

The following strategies can improve your child's situation:

Role-play with your children. Walk them through each possible situation and check their responses. "We have to prepare them. Ask them: 'What do you if someone comes? Or, how do you answer the phone?' " says Honolulu Police detective Letha DeCaires, who is a mother of seven children, ages 8 to 27.

"I tell them this is the one time when they are allowed to lie. You don't give out information about our family, you don't say you're home alone, you don't give out your address. It's OK to let the machine screen calls ... These are appropriate survival skills."

Gather information about your neighbors. Try to establish a true friendship with at least one or two. Ask those neighbors you trust, "Could we call on you in an emergency?"

Try to keep your situation a secret. Avoid telling more than one or two close neighbors that your child is alone. Explain to your neighbors the importance of not sharing this information with others.

Tell your children never to tell friends or classmates that they're home alone. If someone asks them, "Are you by yourself?" instruct them to say, "Sometimes, I'm alone for just a few minutes. I always have an adult close by."

Find at least five adults your child may call. These can be friends, relatives or authority figures in your community. Keep their numbers where your child can easily see them.

Again, you don't necessarily have to tell them, "My child is home alone every day." Simply ask, 'Is it OK for my child or me to phone you if we have an emergency?' "

Make dialing 911 easy. Paint one red dot on the "9" and two dots on the "1" of each phone. Have your child practice finding the numbers. Be sure to tell your child, "If you must dial 911 or any person during an emergency, it's OK to say, 'I'm alone. Mom's not here right now.' "

Buy an indoor dog, if possible. A dog is a latchkey child's best friend. Teach your child to call a neighbor if the dog starts barking and will not calm down.

Get creative. Pay a trusted high school student who lives nearby to check on your child for a few dollars a week. Or try offering elderly neighbors assistance for shopping or chores in exchange for watching your child.

Try to establish every safety measure you can possibly think of at your house. Smoke detectors, burglar alarms (even the inexpensive kind of alarms that hang on doorknobs) and a plan of action for escaping or hiding from intruders should be starting points.

If you're still at work, always try to call children during the first few moments they get home from school. Then call every 90 minutes thereafter, if possible. If you can't call at least every two hours, ask your close friends to call for you. Children feel greater security in life when they have this kind of predictability.