E-mail jokes turn corporate scandals into laughing matter

By Katherine Burton
Bloomberg News Service

NEW YORK — Stock markets tumbled as corporate scandals from Enron Corp.'s shredding to WorldCom Inc.'s phony bookkeeping wiped out hundreds of billions of dollars in investments.

The mood is grim, and Wall Street is laughing.

E-mails making the rounds of hedge fund managers include these proposed new accounting acronyms:

For EBITDA, read Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor. CEO now stands for Chief Embezzlement Officer while EPS, instead of earnings per share, means Eventual Prison Sentence.

Tyco International Ltd.'s market value plunged by $92 billion this year, and Dennis Kozlowski stepped down as chief executive — just before he was indicted on tax evasion charges.

A real news story headline — Tyco Speaking to CEO Candidates — resulted in this e-mailed fantasy "interview":

Interviewer: "Have you ever been in jail?"

CEO Wannabe: "Not yet."

Interviewer: "How much is 2 plus 2?"

CEO Wannabe: "What do you want it to be?"

Interviewer: "When can you start?"

Wall Street brokers and analysts also are under attack for helping inflate the dot-com bubble that has burst. They aren't immune from the blame going around.

In May, Merrill Lynch & Co. agreed to pay a $100 million fine to settle New York State charges that it spun research to win and please clients. In June, Arthur Andersen LLP was convicted of obstruction of justice, and WorldCom and Xerox Corp. admitted they fabricated earnings.

The worse the news, the quicker the jokes spread and the Internet helps fan the black humor.

"It's a field day for satirists," said Andrew Marlatt, who runs SatireWire.com, a Web site devoted to making light of newsworthy events. "How often do you have so many egregious things happening at the same time?"

Marlatt ran a piece about a band of roving chief executives who flee for the Mexican border, "plundering towns and villages along the way and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense."

Corporate shenanigans have been fodder for Saturday Night Live skits and Garry Trudeau's Doonesbury strip, where characters have trouble telling the business section — "You know, where they list all the busts and trials and scandals" — from the crime page.

"I can't explain why the world is suddenly interested in poking fun at business," Marlatt said. "Other than that everyone has lost millions of dollars."