Hawai'i experts see forgiveness as balm

By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser Religion & Ethics Writer

The author of "Forgiveness: The Greatest Healer of All" is based in Kailua.

A physician for more than 40 years, Jampolsky recalls how people with back aches, ulcers, high blood pressure and even cancer saw their symptoms abate when they learned to forgive.

"When people hold on to grievances, they're holding on to anger," said the Kailua-based Jampolsky, who with his psychotherapist wife, Diane Cirincione, wrote 1999's "Forgiveness, the Greatest Healer of All" and whose best-selling 1988 book, "Love is Letting Go of Fear," is a self-help staple.

Forgiveness is a hot-button topic these days as the Roman Catholic church grapples with its sex-abuse scandal, battles flare in the Mideast and the ripple effects of Sept. 11 continue to be felt.

The two forgiveness experts and a local priest agree that the healing process begins with a unilateral shift and a letting go of anger.

"The other person doesn't have to change for us to forgive," said Cirincione. "It only takes one person."

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the action that caused hurt or pain, he said.

The Rev. Joven Junio agrees. "With all the things happening around us right now — the chasm in the church, violence in world, discontent (with our) leaders in secular society — all (of) these things demand a certain level of forgiveness," said the pastor of St. Joseph's, a Catholic church in Waipahu.

Yes, it's easier to forgive if there's a show of remorse or amends, the priest said, but certain hurts take time to heal.

Cirincione said that's because after you've forgiven a piece of the grudge, you may need to grow before tackling a bigger chunk of it.

And although forgiving is a Christian mandate, adds Junio, forgetting isn't.

"The Christian understanding is more forgetting, letting go, being reconciled, but at the same time not condoning," Junio said.

The simple act of choosing what we hold onto begins the transformative process and release, said Cirincione.

In the end, "what you remember are the things you've learned," she said.

How important to your physical health is it to release anger?

People with life-threatening illnesses who continue to nurse grudges find less relief in pain medication, Jampolsky pointed out.

"It's really a decision to suffer more," he said.