'Better' sex differs for men, women

By Karen S. Peterson
USA Today

Men and women have different emotional needs when it comes to revving up their sex lives, a new study says.

For men, the key to improving sex, romance and passion is reducing conflict, those confrontations that raise their blood pressure.

For women, the vital ingredient is increasing friendship, the togetherness they see as just as important at the breakfast table as in the bedroom, says University of Washington-Seattle psychologist John Gottman. Friendship doesn't mean being merely "nice," but rather knowing yourself and your mate at a profound level, he says.

When couples are able to increase friendship and reduce conflict, they are then able to "access their sense of humor and their affection for one another," he says.

For three decades, Gottman has been studying how couples interact. This project and others, he says, demonstrate that arguing activates a man's "fight or flight" response. He feels "threatened, vigilant," not eager for sex.

If a touchy subject is presented calmly, the level of conflict will be reduced, Gottman says. In stable couples, both spouses express fewer negative and more positive emotions at the start of discussions, his research projects show.

Women need a deep sense of connection and friendship to feel passionate, he says. This type of friendship has three elements:

• Love maps. "This is a road map of your partner's internal world," he says. It means being able to define a mate's "life dreams."
• Fondness and admiration. "This involves respect, affection, small gestures of appreciation. Some partners scan the environment looking for something to criticize rather than something to say thank you for."
• Attempts at connection. "These are jokes, playful comments, bids for attention that test the waters to see if a partner will respond." Responding implies there will be an "emotional connection."

Gottman's research teams have studied more than 2,000 couples in his Seattle "marriage lab." His methods there include conducting extensive interviews and videotaping couples interacting, using various devices to take physical measures such as heart rates as couples discuss troublesome topics.

He also has instructed more than 3,000 couples in various workshop settings. This newest study involved 100 married couples who attended one- or two-day workshops and were contacted for a follow-up study about what worked for them one year later. Some participated in a total of nine sessions of marital therapy to reinforce what was learned in the workshops about conflict, friendship, romance and "a shared sense of meaning," he says.

His findings were presented Thursday to the Smart Marriages conference in Arlington, Va., sponsored by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education.