'Eight Legged Freaks' doesn't have a leg to stand on

By Jack Garner
Gannett News Service

EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS (Rated PG-13 for sci-fi violence, sexuality, profanity) Two Stars (Fair) A horror-comic parody of '50s monster movies, about spiders turned into giants by a toxic spill. David Arquette and Doug E. Doug are among the performers in a movie that starts amusingly, but degenerates into bland predictability. Ellory Elkayem directs. Warner Bros., 99 mins.

David Arquette and Doug E. Doug star in this tale of an Arizona town overrun with spiders the size of SUVs, thanks to the evil influence of a toxic spill.

It's the latest of the film genre that blends honest-to-goodness fright with comic parody of 1950s horror flicks. (For the best of the type see "An American Werewolf in London" and "Tremors.")

"Eight Legged Freaks" has been produced by Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin; who previously ransacked their B-movie memories to create the much bigger but just as stupid "Godzilla."

This time, direction is by newcomer Ellory Elkayem, a New Zealander who reportedly earned the job because of a clever short he made in 1998 about a giant spider.

Perhaps that's why "Eight Legged Freaks" doesn't sustain nearly 100 minutes of running time — its creator works best in the short form.

"Eight Legged Freaks" employs the old trick of monsters created by environmental disaster. In the '50s, it was nuclear fallout from atomic bomb tests. This time, it's a more modern favorite — toxic waste.

A barrel of the poison is spilled into an Arizona creek and flows alongside the desert home of an eccentric guy who raises spiders for exotic pet stores.

The spiders get the toxins, grow swiftly, kill the owner, and head for town.

The community is also a freak show:

The mayor (Leon Rippy) is a self-serving weakling who only furthers his interests in his ostrich farm and a desolate shopping mall, the town celebrity is a wacko radio talk show host (Doug) who spouts paranoid theories about alien invasions and government misdeeds, and the town's only hope is a worn-out gold mine, now filled with methane gas.

If you're guessing the spiders will eventually be corralled in that gas-filled mine and blown up, go to the head of the class.

Arquette stars as Chris, the prodigal son of the recently deceased mine operator. Chris comes back to town with a vague idea about re-opening the mine — and with the hope that he can finally win the hand of his former love, the town sheriff (Kari Wuhrer).

And then ... along came a spider. Actually, several hundred spiders.

"Freaks" is at its best early as it parodies traditional elements — the all-knowing chilnds. (Now THAT'S my idea of a fun extreme sport.)

But "Eight Legged Freaks" eventually runs out of creativity and humor, and settles in for a bland and predictable finale.

At first, the giant arachnids will entertain you, but by the end, these freaks don't have a leg to stand on.

Rated PG-13 for sci-fi violence, sexuality, profanity.