ABOUT WOMEN
Cracking the female code could require use of a cheat sheet
By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer
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Sometimes we buy them, those lines that make any seasoned dating maven roll her eyes. Sure, you didn't mind ditching your bud's bachelor party to watch "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with me. Yeah, I believe you.
But men aren't the only ones with poker faces.
"Beef jerky stew? Sounds delicious."
"Oh, the Cowboys are playing. I completely understand."
"What are you talking about? Love handles are cute."
Sound familiar?
Sure, men have similar lines — mostly used to get them out of situations that could end with the most dreaded of all lines, "We have to talk."
But women have turned the complications of conversation into a science, one filled with archaic formulas that, when calculated incorrectly, can result in perilous chemical reactions. Doors slam.
Photos are shredded. Precious football memorabilia is destroyed. It's not pretty.
Say the wrong thing and face the consequences.
It's not lying, really. It's more like a code. And guys have to figure it out. We expect that. To us it's simple. "Sure, I'm cool with you going to Rock-Za" is our way of really saying, "I'm cool enough to let you go, but you'd better be smart enough not to."
Women use this code on each other all the time. (What do you think we talk about in the restroom?)
At the Gap once, the cashier, shamelessly flirting with the guy she assumed was my boyfriend, looked at me and said, "You know, maybe you should get the reverse-fit jeans."
"No thanks," I said with a forced smile.
"I wear regular."
"Yeah, but, like, reverse-fit would look so much better on you since, you know, it's cut for wider hips."
I seethed. After we left my guy friend turned to me and said, "She was pretty nice, huh?"
"What are you talking about?" I asked, annoyed.
"She was so helpful."
I couldn't believe it. How could he not have seen the obvious dis? Which made me think: Maybe guys really don't get it.
So I've decided to help mankind.
In pursuit of perpetuating fulfilling and meaningful relationships, I'm going to decode three classic female lines often misinterpreted by men who still don't know how to answer the question, "Does this make me look fat?"
Give me five minutes: We can't even figure out what we want to eat in five minutes, much less get ready for dinner. We use verbs that have no other use but in the context of preparing for a date: loofah, lotion, flat iron, tweeze, spritz, spray, slather. And that's done before we've even put clothes on. So in womanspeak, five minutes means, "Get comfortable."
Oh, I just threw this together: It's the 21st century. I hate to break it to you, guys, but not all women cook anymore.
In fact, a lot of my girlfriends can barely fry an egg. "Thrown together" probably means "picked up on the way from work, slopped in a bowl and tossed around to make it look homemade." (Women do this, too.)
I'm not upset: Oh, yes we are. Don't believe it for a second.
Figuring out the code is half the fun of dating. Screw up the first time, we don't mind. Honest.
We won't be upset.
Reach Catherine E. Toth at 535-8533 or ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com.
