By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

So Kilauea is erupting spectacularly on the island of Hawai'i and the tourist trade is erupting spectacularly as well. Hotel rooms on the island are booked solid, interisland flights are full, there's not a rental car to be found. Everybody like look da lava.

Imagine the dollar signs dancing like sugar plums in the heads of the state's visitor industry intelligentsia:

Volcano! They want volcano! We thought it was sand and surf! We thought it was dolphins and whales! We thought it was ridiculously expensive boutiques with snooty clerks and marble floors! But it's volcano they want! We gotta get us more volcanos! A volcano for every island!

Maybe Jeff Stone can build us a volcano next to the 'Ihilani. We can throw him some tax credits. Somebody make some calls. Somebody call Colleen Hanabusa.

Waikiki needs a volcano. Diamond Head would be good. We could charge extra to hike to the top and get your eyebrows singed. Call DAGS and see what it would take to put in some pipes and a big basin, something that would recycle the lava like one of those desk-top fountains. Maybe it wouldn't even need to be hot. We could use lights for night. Charge a hotel lava surcharge. Say it's for fireproofing the rooms. This'll be great!

Maybe we can get "Baywatch" back, but this time, the actresses can wear fire-retardant bikinis and can run in slow motion on the rim of the crater. The lava runs into the ocean, right? We'll need a steam generator for the water tank at the Diamond Head Film studio. Call a special session.

Maybe instead of vanda lei from Thailand, we can send lava rocks on May Day. We can ship lava to Rockefeller Center and the Mall of America and shopping centers all around the country. How long will lava stay hot in Reynolds Wrap? Can we get lava cheaper from the Philippines? Somebody work the phones and get some prices.

We can have a Lava Value Pass. With every trip to a volcano, you get your choice of a luggage tag or chip clip that says, "I Lava You," or something like that, free with a purchase of $75 or more from the Lava Gift Shop.

"Lilo & Stitch" has that volcano scene, doesn't it? How much can we pay Disney to put it in the movie? It doesn't matter that it's already in the movie. If we pay them to put it in the movie, then we can say we paid them to put it in the movie and we will look brilliant!

The Convention Center needs a volcano.

The airport needs a volcano.

Kaka'ako needs a volcano.

UH needs its own volcano, you know, for scientific stuff, but they can charge a fee for people who want to look da lava, too.

Of course, nobody would really think these thoughts, right? Right??

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.