Too tired for sex?

• Discuss problems anonymously online

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Gregory Yamamoto • The Honolulu Advertiser

The top sexual problem women are confessing to therapists is that they're too tired for sex.

"It's a very common theme, more common than I wish it were," said Martha Barham, a Honolulu psychologist and sex therapist. "The complaints I get are things like the husband begins to grope, and she's already turned off. The idea of intimacy has not been fostered."

The National Health and Social Life Survey, a study conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago and reported in The Journal of the American Medical Association in 1999, found 43 percent of women complained of dissatisfaction in the bedroom, 10 percent more than the men who participated in the study.

Their problems included low sex drive, slow arousal, difficulty reaching orgasm, painful intercourse and conflicting desires with their partners — enough to make researchers at the University of Chicago who conducted the survey declare the lack of libido "an epidemic public health concern." And while the report was criticized for not revealing that some of the report's authors had received money from companies such as Pfizer Inc., which makes Viagra, the statistics were not in question.

Things aren't much better in Britain, where one in three women say they're too tired to have sex, but more than half say they lie awake at night anyway because of stress, according to a survey released last month by the Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development.

The sample of 1,000 British women blamed their employers (24 percent), their partners (19 percent), housework (24 percent) and themselves (31 percent) for their hectic lives, but more than half said "it's the way life is now."

Sex therapists say the studies may put too much blame on women because men are less likely to seek professional help for a lack of sexual desire.

For men, low libido is the second most common sexual dysfunction after premature ejaculation, according to a recent issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association.

The loss of libido may not mean a relationship is doomed, but psychologists say couples need to look deeper than stress and fatigue to find the source of a slump in their sex life.

Kat Hayman, 29, a single New York City transplant in Hawai'i this summer doing pipe-organ restoration, is one woman who doesn't want to end up in a therapist's office discussing her sex life. She says the best way to keep it in check is to talk about relieving stress before stress has a chance to be a problem in the bedroom.

"Being too tired to have sex is like being too full to eat dessert," she said. "The tiredness is an excuse for something else."

Sex therapists say the real problem could stem from problems outside the relationship itself, such as poor nutrition and lack of exercise, hormonal imbalances, premenstrual syndrome, menopause or depression.

For Shanna Paulson, 29, of Makiki, sex itself is a stress reliever. And she tries to make it a priority.

"I don't think it's something that has to be worked out. It just happens," she said. "It's just a way to vent frustration and you can totally relax."

Edwige Geminel, 29, who was born in France and is living in Honolulu this summer, said Americans need to be able to open up and talk more about their sex lives. "Sex gives you the temperature of how your relationship is going," Geminel said. "If it's high, it's good. If it's off, then your relationship is sick."

Hilo psychologist Jacqueline Brittain sees that sickness, what she calls a "common phenomenon of boredom," kicking in after a few years of marriage and children.

"If you're doing the same thing with the same person, it requires thought and energy," she said. "Marriage is like a job. People need to give it as much attention as they give their work."

Most people's sex lives fail when they become too routine, she said.

"The average American couple has sex at 11 p.m. for something like 12 minutes, which isn't even long enough to bring the average woman to orgasm," Brittain said. "They have their priorities mixed up."

Dr. Jennifer Berman, a California urologist who recently spoke at the HerStory conference in Hawai'i, says low libido is the most common complaint she hears from women, who more typically than men report problems such as an inability to achieve orgasm easily.

Berman, who with her sister, sex therapist Laura Berman, wrote the best seller "For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Overcoming Sexual Dysfunction and Reclaiming Your Sex Life," says low sexual desire doesn't necessarily mean the problem is with the relationship. She advises couples to check with medical doctors first to make sure hormonal levels are where they should be.

But being "too tired for sex" can be an expression of a much deeper issue or fear, she said, or the result of feelings of vulnerability or broken trust.

The Berman sisters say couples should deal with legitimate stress factors, such as sharing the workload at home, and pay attention to emotional patterns that affect intimacy. Paying attention is the first step in overcoming the problem, they say, and communication is the key to resolving it.

Couples often are on the brink of divorce before they come to Barham, the Honolulu psychologist and sex therapist, with their problems. But she also has seen couples in their 20s deciding whether to marry and already worried about their sex lives.

Sometimes couples are so angry at each other they can hardly express their real problems, she said.

"I think they are tired," she said. "But what's sapping their energy can be anger over the predicament they're in."

She gives them homework, such as massages or taking a shower together, to foster intimacy.

She sees sex as the body's natural amphetamine. When couples can woo themselves back into intimacy, she said, they can stimulate their bodies and their relationships.

"When they come back laughing," she said, "I know they did their homework."

Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.

Discuss problems anonymously online

For couples who feel uncomfortable discussing sexual problems with their doctors, there is a way to talk about it anonymously: the Internet. Here's a sampling:

www.sexuality.org
The Society for Human Sexuality has everything from essays to educational resources.

www.yoursexcoach.com
A sexologist offers a casual and upbeat presentation of sexual information.

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu
Columbia University's Health Education Program offers a link to specialists worldwide and allows users to e-mail questions and read responses to others' questions.

www.libida.com
This site focuses on female sexuality and has links to products to buy or "sexperts" who can answer questions.

www.janesguide.com
This site helps Web surfers sort through the best listings for sexuality advice and topics ranging from highbrow erotica to smutty stuff.