FAMILY MATTERS
Sharing stories about family life will be new columnist's focus
By Michael C. DeMattos
I suppose it was about halfway through my professional career when I first appreciated the power of stories.
I was working at a shelter in Manoa for runaway and homeless youths, providing therapy for teens and their families, and supervising a staff of eight.
One day during a meeting, a staff member asked me what was most important when providing family therapy. There seemed to be a million answers, though none of them was very good. After pondering and subsequently rejecting some of the "textbook" responses, I said, "Therapy is about listening to people's stories."
As the words left my mouth, I realized I had said what I know most to be true. Now don't get me wrong; therapy is a complex gig requiring special skills, training and years of experience to do well. Still, therapy is first and foremost about people and the stories they tell.
But stories are not just for the therapist's office. In fact, a story's true home is in the family. It is often with those we love most that we share our deepest feelings, from the triumphant to the tragic, and from the ridiculous to the sublime.
The stories of our lives provide meaning in a sometimes-crazy world, offering us the opportunity to make sense of things.
On rare occasions, our stories can enslave us, a kind of historical prison. More frequently they connect us, providing the emotional tissue linking family and friend. In the end, all stories have the potential to heal. At the core of every story is a truth, and in every truth the power to mend and grow.
I must admit that all my years spent as a therapist and counselor did not prepare me for fatherhood. When my daughter was born, all the stories I had heard from family, friends and clients suddenly made sense. It was like I was walking in a dreamland until that fateful day. Fatherhood altered everything.
My life has changed, and so have my stories. Some of the changes are simply the result of growing older, and I hope wiser. Many of the changes can be directly attributed to my family. They have kept me guessing and on my toes and, most importantly, they have kept me humble. Just when I think I have got something figured out, they assure me that I am just deluding myself. Maybe that's what families are for, to keep us honest.
As time goes on I am reminded of how much I don't know, and I am left to trust the process. I wait and listen for the stories; I listen for the truths they hold, treasures revealed.
As a new writer for the Family Matters column, I am going to share some stories with you.
Each will come from the perspective of fatherhood. It is my hope that in the reading, you will connect with these stories and discover your own hidden truths, lying like diamonds amongst coal in the stories of your own life.
Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. He is a family therapist, educator, trainer, storyteller and angler. He lives in Kane'ohe with his wife and 5-year-old daughter. Write to him at: Family Matters, Island Life, The Honolulu Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com or fax 535-8170.
