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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Tuesday, March 5, 2002

March Madness is upon us once again

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Staff Columnist

Did you find yourself with sympathy pains when Predrag Savovic's back went out or light candles for his speedy return?

Do you fall asleep at night trying to calculate your favorite team's "quality" wins and "bad" losses?

Unable to balance a checkbook but think you have the NCAA's Ratings Percentage Index (RPI) figured out?

Then, you might number among the victims of Martius Insania, otherwise known as March Madness.

This seasonal malady is reaching epidemic proportions here, where the University of Hawai'i men and women could end up in NCAA Tournament fields.

Healthcare professionals say you may be afflicted and should seek immediate attention if you:

Didn't attend the University of Maryland but warn total strangers to "fear the turtle!"

Have the Horizon League Tournament bracket on your refrigerator.

Wonder why UH doesn't offer a degree in bracketology.

Believe Selection Sunday should be a religious holiday.

Are thinking of making the family vacation a pilgrimage to Patrick's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, Carl English's hometown.

Think Al Qaida might be the name of a point guard in the Big East.

Want to have quintuplets so you can name them after the Duke starting lineup.

Call bars to find out where you can catch the Southland Conference Tournament on satellite.

Think Frederick's of Hollywood should stock more items with the UH logo.

Wonder why Sports Illustrated doesn't offer a swimsuit edition featuring Coaches of the WAC.

Demand your spouse to take cooking "to the next level."

Chant, "airball!...airball!" when somebody misses the trash can at work.

Describe your date as a "mid-major."

Threaten to send your kids to live with Cincinnati's Bob Huggins if they don't get their grades up.

Ask your barber for the Mark Campbell look.

Tell your boss you want to wear shorts to work because Tony Sellitto does.

Have never been to the East Coast but cried when the final game was played in Cole Fieldhouse.

Are certain ESPN's "Season On The Brink" will be a slam dunk for an Academy Award.

Toss and turn at night thinking about whether your favorite team will be an eight or nine seed.

Believe all the news worth knowing this time of the year can be found on "College Hoops Tonight."

Place your spouse "on the bubble" for interrupting when Jay Bilas is explaining the motion offense.

Have a thriving law practice but would rather do basketball games on the radio from Tulsa this week.