Avoid 'The New Guy'

By Bill Muller
The Arizona Republic

THE NEW GUY (Rated PG-13 for sexual content, language, crude humor and mild drug references) One star (Poor) DJ Qualls stars as a nerd who reinvents himself at a new school with help from a convict (Eddie Griffin) in this bland comedy that works really hard for laughs. Save your money and try to avoid "The New Guy." Directed by Ed Decter, Sony Pictures, 100 minutes.

Actually, the movie does break some ground, in that star D.J. Qualls seems to have built a career based solely on his strong resemblance to a human exclamation point.

As a comedian, Qualls is neither especially funny nor charming, with just enough ability to produce doomed sitcoms for the WB network. Building a movie around Qualls is like having Ozzy Osbourne teach diction. Qualls, who played "the weird one" in "Road Trip," returns with his own movie, as Dizzy, a nerdy high school student who gets lessons in cool from a fast-talking convict (Eddie Griffin).

Besides an unfortunate dance number featuring "SNL's" Horatio Sanz, the lessons involve "crazy eyes" — a maniacal glare augmented by the sound of a bullwhip — and learning to kick people in the groin. And we all know how funny that can be, especially when it's repeated over and over.

Dizzy transfers to another school, where the cheerleaders swoon and the bullies quake at his new persona, which involves swaying from side to side as if he's trying to avoid an assassination attempt.

While some comedies fight for laughs, "The New Guy" begs for them, desperately tossing out a never-ending procession of lame gags, including a monumentally bad Patton takeoff, a mall revival featuring Gene Simmons as a preacher and the repeated beating of a dwarf.

Since the script has less than 10 minutes of funny material — and that's stretching it — the director felt obliged to round up a bunch of cameos, including Simmons, Tommy Lee and Vanilla Ice, who's mildly amusing as an overly enthusiastic record-store clerk.

Just when you think the movie can't get further off track, it pops up with an "Urban Cowboy" riff, which gives the director an excuse to dress the fetching Eliza Dushku ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer") in little more than a bandana. Relax — she's not wearing it on her head.

Actually, the movie does feature some talent. Lyle Lovett, who plays Dizzy's dad, is one great singer (though he doesn't sing in the movie), and Griffin, apparently honing his act for the upcoming "Undercover Brother," generates a few laughs.

But "The New Guy" has the feel of a film that's been re-worked over and over, in a futile attempt to generate laughs. That includes a regrettable foray into bathroom humor and another scene, involving a human appendage, lifted from "Porky's."

By the time you get to the movie's big payoff (think "Braveheart"), you're definitely ready to say goodbye to "The New Guy."

Rated PG-13 for sexual content, language, crude humor and mild drug references.