Reverse caregiving roles bridge generation gaps

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Grandparents Robert and Carol Higa, of 'Aiea, read to their grandson, 2-year-old Kaysen Higa, of 'Aiea, at the Hawai'i Children's Discovery Center on Grandparents' Day. During Intergeneration Week, the Hawai'i Intergenerational Network will hold workshops focusing on the complex relationships between elders and younger generations. Deborah Booker • The Honolulu Advertiser Related events The "Making a Generation Connection" symposium takes place from 8 a.m. to noon tomorrow at the Hale Koa Hotel, 2055 Kalia Road, in Waikiki. The seminar is $35 and includes breakfast. Call 220-8686 to register. Or spend time with someone of another generation in honor of national Intergeneration Day on Sunday. It's an effort by nonprofit groups to educate people about the need to address aging issues in our society. Learn more about care-giving by watching the local television special, "And Thou Shalt Honor," next week on KHET (7:30 p.m. Oct. 9).

Jeff and Helen Wagner thought they were finished raising children by the time their son became a parent. But when their granddaughter, Keko Parque, reached school age, the girl's parents had a hard time working out a family schedule. So the Wagners assumed many of the parenting duties and welcomed Keko, now 7, into their Kane'ohe home.

More than a generation after they first became parents, the Wagners now consider the arrangement a blessing.

"My husband and I are truly grateful for being put in a situation where we didn't anticipate the rewards," Helen Wagner said. "One of the things we found is we don't realize how much one generation gives to another."

The youthful grandmother plays tennis with Keko, goes ice skating (with the help of a walker), goes on school field trips and even enjoys watching cartoons that portray grandparents in a more lively light.

The Wagners represent one permutation of the experience of older Americans. They will be part of a symposium tomorrow that will address "Making a Generation Connection," a seminar geared at grandparents raising grandchildren, baby boomers caring for aging parents and agencies that bridge the generation gap.

Thirteen percent of Hawai'i's children are cared for by their grandparents, and next to Washington, D.C., that's the highest in the nation, said Mae Mendelson, executive director of Hawai'i Intergenerational Network, the symposium's sponsor.

While Hawai'i's cultural tradition of blended families living under one roof plays a role in grandparents raising their grandchildren, other factors such as drugs, domestic violence, incarceration and a poor economy also force grandparents into that role, said Bernie Baker, a social worker at Queen Lili'uokalani Children's Center. Baker offers help through an organization called Na Tutu (www.natutu.org), which has resources and referrals for grandparents and other relatives who become unexpected caregivers.

The sandwich generation

During the week Hawai'i Intergenerational Network calls Intergeneration Week, workshops also will touch on reverse caregiving roles, such as those faced by the sandwich generation.

The sandwich generation — those squeezed between caring for elderly parents and raising their own families — is a phenomenon that led the U.S. House of Representatives to come up with this statistic: The average woman spends 17 years caring for her dependent child and 18 years caring for her elderly parents.

Speakers at tomorrow's seminar will address the responsibilities and the guilt people caught in the middle face when their lives are uprooted so they can tend to someone else.

One of the speakers will be Jody Mishan, whose words will be of the poetic variety.

Mishan, who contributed to the new book "Mosaic Moon: Caregiving Through Poetry" (2002, Watermark Publishing, $16.95), found healing through writing when she began caring for her father three years ago.

"Caregiving is like Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz," she said. "You don't know courage until you have to be courageous."

The same goes for the brain and the heart, she said. Her father, John Mishan, who turns 87 this week, is teaching her compassion, she said.

"It's his last gift to me," the 52-year-old Manoa woman said.

Hawai'i has about 114,872 family caregivers such as Jody Mishan, according to a state-by-state study by the Alzheimer's Association, based on research started in 1999 by Peter Arno and Margaret Memmott for the United Hospital Fund.

The stress of caregiving triggers all kinds of emotions, Jody Mishan said.

"Yes, I got angry, but I felt compassion was stronger than anger," she said. "If you cultivate compassion on a regular basis, it can win out."

The graying of America

The number of centenarians (about 37,000 in the early 1990s) will reach 1.1 million by 2050, the U.S. Census Bureau estimates. By then, the number of people older than 65 is expected to grow about three times faster than the nation's population.

"We're in denial all the time about our aging population," Mendelson said.

She says more must be done to encourage volunteers, help out caregivers and improve public policy when it comes to elder care and grandparents caring for grandchildren.

As baby boomers age, caregiving is emerging as a major healthcare and family issue, said Gwen Ouye, Caregiver Project coordinator for Hawai'i's Executive Office on Aging.

Caregiving will be the topic of a local television special, "And Thou Shalt Honor," on Honolulu public broadcasting station KHET (7:30 p.m. Oct. 9). A panel discussion, moderated by KITV-4 morning anchor and veteran newsman Paul Udell will follow the program at 9:30 p.m. and include policy makers, administrators, service providers and caregivers.

"If we live to 100," Mendelson said, "we need to think about how we want to spend the last 30 years of our lives, how we want to be active, what we want to give back to society and how we want to be cared for if we are frail."

Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.