Posted on: Tuesday, October 8, 2002

LEE CATALUNA
Standing up against violence

By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

Bret is just about the last man you'd imagine going through a course on alternatives to violence. An articulate professional, accomplished athlete and community volunteer, Bret didn't come to the course at Catholic Charities by court order or anything like that. He came as something of a preventative measure when he realized he just wasn't happy.

"I think I represent about 80 percent of the men out there," he says. "I could be driving and feel road rage and look at somebody else behind me in a Reyn Spooner feeling the same way that I do, unable to get help because it means they're in a different sector of society."

Michael, on the other hand, grew up surrounded by violence and later became an "enforcer" — what he describes as being hired to hurt people. His violence escalated until, he says, he "hurt someone he loved." Michael served 13 years in prison for stabbing his girlfriend multiple times.

These two men, one who didn't want anything bad to happen and one who wishes he could have caught himself before something bad happened, had to learn the same lesson of how to deal with anger. As Joe Bloom, program director at Catholic Charities Family Services, puts it, "Anger by itself is a perfectly normal, healthy emotion. But what we do with it can be unhealthy, which is usually to strike out and make ourselves feel better by making somebody else feel worse."

Both Michael and Bret will speak at a rally Thursday as part of the 8th Annual Men's March Against Violence. The march starts at noon at Kekaulike Plaza and ends with a program at Sky Gate park. The theme of the march is "Courage to Change." For Bret and Michael, the courage they'll need to summon on that day will be for speaking publicly about the changes they've already made.

Bret especially is concerned about what people at work will think. "I don't want to go into work and hear them say, 'Ooh, Bret, I saw your name in the paper. No hit me!' "

But it's part of the whole spirit of the march, says Bloom, for men to take a stand, to take responsibility for bringing about an end to violence in Hawai'i.

Bret hopes his willingness to come forward will help others like him — men who learned to be strong and to win, but never learned how to deal with anger, frustration and feelings of vulnerability.

"Everyone has the capacity to make the wrong choice," says Bret. "With knowledge, training and a good heart, you can make good choices."

Michael has these words of warning for those caught up in a cycle of violence: "I would tell him to stop, get help before he loses his wife, his kids, his home and ends up where I was, in a cell reflecting for 13 years, wishing I had done something different."

For more information on the march, you can call Joe Bloom at 535-0159.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.