By Lee Cataluna
In an attempt to bring the excitement of "American Idol" to the doldrums of local politics, we present "Democrat Karaoke" live from the spacious Kapolei Public Library!
No need to do any humbug homework. No need to ask complicated questions. No need to go past the carefully cultivated image or the polished public persona. Just sit back and watch as the candidates for governor compete for cash and prizes, a four-year employment contract and the opportunity to live in a really nice house.
First off this evening, singing the Diana Ross classic "It's My Turn," heeeeere's Mazie Hirono!
"Oh, I'm not singing that song."
But that's the song you chose.
"I changed my mind."
Singing the song "I've Never Been to Me," heeeeere's Mazie!
"Did I mention that I went to public school?"
Yeah, you did. You gonna' perform for us or what?
"Of course! I've always had a strong commitment to performing for the people of Hawai'i!"
Singing Britney Spears' "Oops ... I Did It Again," heeeeere's Mazie Hirono!
Next up, he used to be a Republican, lately he's a Democrat. He's the man who came up with the idea of a Pineapple Lottery. Singing an ode to his dream of a Kaka'ako development that died hard on the vine, here's Andy Anderson with a cover of "Spinning Wheel" by Blood Sweat and Tears.
"What goes up
"must come down.
"in Kaka'ako town."
Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Anderson.
"Hey, I'm serious about that lottery. And the Ferris wheel woulda' been great."
Before we go on to our final candidate, we have a special encore performance tonight. Singing his rendition of the song he made his own, here's Ben Cayetano with "My Way."
"Eh, who said I was going sing? I neva' say I was going sing. I not going sing just because everybody says I should sing. Sometimes, you have to make unpopular decisions. Did I tell you about growing up in Kalihi?"
Thank you, Governor Cayetano.
Now here's a look back at a former finalist, Jeremy Harris, doing his impassioned performance of the Puff Daddy hip-hop classic "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems."
And finally tonight, doing a medley of Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run," "Leap of Faith" and "Countin' on a Miracle," heeeere's Ed Case!
"Sing? I thought this was a debate."
Oh, for crying out loud, Ed, can't you just for once go along with the rest of your party?
Well, there you have it, folks. Voting made easy. Democracy dumbed down. Thank goodness Kelly Clarkson isn't running for governor. She'd probably win (and there would probably be a huge voter turnout).
Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or firstname.lastname@example.org.