ISLAND VOICES
Being meaningful, not mean
By Betty White
Principal of Sacred Hearts Academy, an all-girls' school in Kaimuki
In February 2002, The New York Times magazine cover headline proclaimed that "Girls Just Want to Be Mean." Within days, responses filled the airways on National Public Radio. Time and Newsweek followed with their take on the topic. Recent publications by Rosalind Wiseman, "Queen Bees & Wannabes," and Rachel Simmons, "Odd Girl Out," portray troubled girls engaging in backstabbing and bullying.
Having educated girls for the past 33 years, I concur that girls are often adept at lashing out at each other. The push and pull of ever-shifting friendships is a source of constant stress for young girls. Friendships in adolescence are often intense and confusing and can be as tumultuous as those they later experience in intimate relationships.
The girls' world of 2002 is not all that different from the early '70s when today's moms were deciding whether or not to buy their first pack of cigarettes. But, today, we see bullying and teasing, often called "relational aggression," through a different prism, as we are inundated by an overwhelming media onslaught of print, picture ads and live reports of teen tragedy after teen tragedy.
As a result, parents, teachers and counselors today are paying closer attention to hurtful behaviors that were brushed off before the rush of school shootings and assaults.
The mean-girl concept is not unique in the world of girls. Boys are just as capable of bullying and teasing with polished skill. For both boys and girls, early adolescence is a bubbling cauldron of hormone-laden emotions that can explode at any moment into full-blown hostilities, but it usually plays out in different ways. For the most part, boys are more likely to express their anger physically by shoving someone's body into a locker or meeting outside to "settle it."
Usually, girls are more subtle, nonphysical and indirect. They often use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling and manipulation to inflict physical pain on targeted victims.
While girls are not always made of sugar, spice and all that's nice, most of them are less likely to engage in the kind of mean behavior described in recent publications.
More than any other time in history, girls are looking for ways to define themselves, and they are blessed with more options than their mothers and grandmothers had. Today, many girls do not languish or pout over not being invited to a friend's party since they may be too busy writing an opinion column for the school paper, surfing the beaches, participating in community soccer leagues, or taking advantage of many other school activities.
Raising good, instead of mean, girls and helping prevent them from purposely hurting others require that parents, teachers and counselors acknowledge that strong-willed and independent girls, as well as those who are meek and mild, and everyone in between, need to fit in to be liked and to have a place in the social and school community. We must show them that conflict-free relationships do not usually exist, and we must teach them how to acknowledge their aggression or meekness by negotiating conflicts and defining relationships in healthier ways.
We must continue to move adolescents outside of their own identity and social milieu by showing them the rewards and satisfaction derived from giving of themselves in service to others.
When a young lady helps feed elderly citizens in a daycare facility, she will feel more empowered to deal with the ill-meaning few who call her a "goodie-goodie."
Young girls will develop a strong sense of self by accepting personal responsibility and developing empathy toward others. Every opportunity to broaden a girl's focus to do what is right, honest and good in terms of interaction with others, even if nobody notices, must be fostered.
Focusing on the positive things in girls' lives, not just what is sensational and painful in their growing years, will empower girls to find meaning without being mean.
