FAMILY MATTERS
Discipline need not be harsh to be effective
By Ka'ohua Lucas
The other morning my seventh-grader woke in a grumpy mood. He hadn't had much sleep the night before. His throat was achy, and his sinuses were acting up.
He had plans to visit a friend that morning, but I was worried about his condition.
"Why don't you go back to bed and try to sleep," I suggested.
"I'm fine, Mom," he mumbled. "Anyway, I'm supposed to go to Kulani's today."
"I understand you are, but if you are feeling puny, maybe you should forgo your visit."
"Mom, I HAVE to go!"
I think I am relatively patient. I usually give my kids the benefit of the doubt, assuming that their mood reflects whether or not they had enough sleep, they are feeling poorly or maybe they just had a rough day.
"Come on, I'll make you a cup of mamaki tea with some honey and lemon," I said unrattled by his behavior.
"You know I don't like tea, Mom!"
"It will make you feel better."
As he slumped on the edge of the pune'e, or day bed, I could see that he was determined to defy me.
"Come on, lie down," I urged.
"No, Mom!"
By now, I was on my second cup of coffee. My veins were pumped with caffeine, and I had an adrenaline rush. My mind was racing.
I started to create a mental checklist of things that I needed to accomplish that day. Inundated with information overload, I decided that I had enough of this 12-year-old's attitude. I had too many things that needed to get done to continue coddling him.
With hands on my hips, I turned to my son and said firmly, "If you plan to go to Kulani's house, then you will need to lie down now. If you choose not to, or argue with me further, you will not be able to visit your friend today. Period."
"But, Mom," he said.
"Ah," I cut him off with a raised index finger.
"Whoa," my husband said, removing bacon from the griddle. "You better watch out, son. Your Hawaiian mother has spoken."
That's right. In ancient Hawai'i, discipline was immediate.
"Not, at first, with explanations," writes Hawaiian scholar and author Mary Kawena Pukui. "With actions. ... With reasonable, consistent discipline, given immediately after the child had done something wrong or dangerous."
No sooner had I ordered him to lie down, then my son curled into a fetal position and dozed off to sleep.
Most of my readers probably remember when our own parents dealt with discipline in a harsher way. When my father started to loosen his belt buckle, I knew that I had gone too far. Maybe I should consider reviving my father's method of discipline, although he never actually hit me with the belt.
I'll wear a belt around the house as a warning. When one of my boys decides to ignore my command, I'll loosen the belt buckle. I know I won't ever use it, but I'm sure that I will get immediate results.
The same results my father did.
Ka'ohua Lucas is a mother of three, holds a master's degree in education curriculum and instruction. Reach her at: Family Matters, 'Ohana Section, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com; or fax 535-8170.
