Avoid the marital cash clash

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Illustration by Martha Hernandez • The Honolulu Advertiser Marital money management suggestions Think about setting up three checking accounts: his, hers and theirs. The format could prevent fighting that stems from spouses neglecting to keep tabs on one account. Decide which accounting method will work for your household. Schedule regular 20-minute financial meetings with your spouse. Keeping meetings short can keep you focused. Figure out where you are financially and what your priorities are. Visualize where you want to be financially and what you have to do to get there. Keep a monthly written or computerized log of your financial management. Be willing to change spending habits that detract from your ability to build your net worth. Write down your one-year plan, five-year plan and 10-year plan, and share these with your partner so you can focus on the same goals. Source: Steven Pybrum, author of "Money and Marriage"

The wave of the future for family accounting is divvied up between his, hers and theirs.

"That's the trend for people who are younger," said Steven Pybrum, a Santa Barbara, Calif., marriage counselor and financial planner who wrote the book "Money and Marriage: Making It Work Together" (Abundance Publishing, 1996, $17.95) and has a sequel for engaged couples coming out in January.

Divorce attorneys say separate accounts can be the best way to protect yourself from getting burned should the marriage break up. And marriage counselors say separate accounts may keep marriages from breaking up in the first place.

Pybrum, who leads marriage workshops across the country, said the latest twist to the trend is secrecy.

Couples are asking him whether they should even disclose how much they make and what investments they have before deciding how much money to contribute to a household account. He advocates honesty.

"We have a system here in the United States of not talking about finances until after the marriage," he said. "Why throw cold water on hot passion?"

Sooner or later, couples have to decide whether one partner is going to manage all of the money, whether the breadwinner will give the other spouse an allowance, whether each spouse will have equal access to combined money, or whether each partner will manage a separate income.

He advises couples to call a meeting and appoint 20 minutes every so often to talk about money. That way, they can keep the lines of communication open, plan their spending and set goals.

"From the polling we've done," he said, "Eighty-five percent of all married people across the country have ongoing disputes about money and can't have a 15-minute discussion about it without it breaking into a fight."

When it works

Katie Cooley Shields, a makeup artist for Paul Brown salon at Ward Center, is a saver who watches every penny. Nearly two years ago, she married a spender.

Neither one wanted the other to watch over their shoulder when it was time to balance their checkbooks.

"I've always been fiercely independent," Cooley Shields said. "Not having my own bank account would freak me out."

So Cooley Shields, 30, and her husband, Forest Shields, 28, a Honolulu police officer, split responsibility for the bills. She writes her checks. He writes his.

"His money is his money and my money is mine," she said. "It's really helped for our marriage not to have our money combined. We don't fight about it anymore."

Nearly 70 percent of newlyweds say money is the biggest source of conflict in their first year of marriage, according to the Association of Bridal Consultants. Couples who take time to have frank and open discussions about money say that's what saves them from letting financial stress build up.

Isis and Michael Bataluna decided when they bought a house in Kahala last year (with help from his mom) how they would work out paying their debts.

Michael, 33, a music teacher at Kaiser High School, would pay the mortgage. And Isis, 25, a Title Guaranty representative, would take care of the other bills.

Newlyweds who married in Las Vegas in June, the Batalunas together pull in about $50,000 a year. In Hawai'i, Isis says, that's tough. But she says that separate accounts make money more manageable.

They talk before making any major purchases, and so far, they haven't fought over money.

"If we go out to dinner, I pay," Isis said. "It looks a little strange when I reach for the bill, but that's how we've worked it out."

When it doesn't

But happily ever after is hard to come by.

Money is considered the No. 1 cause of divorce, and P. Gregory Frey, a Honolulu family law attorney who has handled divorce cases for 16 years, has seen thousands of marriages disintegrate because of it.

Often, what's a priority to one spouse (say, football tickets) is trivial spending to the other.

"It causes an avalanche because they eventually start screaming about everything else," Frey said.

And when couples begin talking to him, secrets are revealed, like credit cards the other spouse doesn't know about, or money spent to finance an extramarital affair.

Frey says it's foolish for couples to pool all of their money into one account or to have multiple accounts in both names because it doesn't allow for financial independence.

People fight about money because nobody has enough of it, he said, and no matter how much they make, the bills keep coming. Arguments become about power and control, and the odd person out feels as if he or she is going to be accused of something.

"The root reason is the failure to openly communicate," he said. "And the failure to prioritize. Spending is a fact of life. We all have to spend to survive."

The experts say the secret to money management isn't just about savings accounts. It's about being willing to talk about money. And that doesn't cost anything.

Reach Tanya Bricking at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.