Military deployments also hard on the ones left behind

• Strategies for coping when a loved one is deployed overseas

By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer

Dainya Erickson shares a smile with son Dalton, 3 1/2, at a neighborhood park while she holds 7-month-old daughter Carmen. Husband Sean, in the Coast Guard, is deployed to the Arabian Gulf for at least six months. Photos by Bruce Asato • The Honolulu Advertiser

Petty Officer 3rd Class Sean Erickson, seen in photo, sent teddy bears for his family to hug while he's deployed in the Gulf.

He doesn't know his dad is deployed to a war zone. He just knows that his mom is sad that Dad's gone.

Dainya Erickson and her two little ones play in a park in Red Hill's Coast Guard neighborhood on a sunny day, but Erickson is having trouble keeping her smile as she explains what it's like to be a military wife with a husband at war.

Painful goodbye hugs have gone along with the call to duty for more than 3,000 Hawai'i-based troops. Of those troops, about one-third are on eight Pearl Harbor submarines deployed to the Persian Gulf region and western Pacific. More than 1,300 of the total are on surface ships in the Persian Gulf area.

Family and friends here anxiously await their safe return. News over the weekend of the death of Army Sgt. Eugene Williams, whose wife and daughter are in Hawai'i, brings the fear even closer to home.

In the park, Erickson's little boy, Dalton, sees her tears. "Mommy, you want Daddy?" he asks.

She nods and gives him a kiss. He reaches for a tighter hug.

The sweet moments come in flickers like that for the 25-year-old North Carolina woman, who is starting to get the hang of being a single mom.

Her husband switched from the Marines to the Coast Guard almost three years ago. She thought that would assure his safety and make for an easier life, with deployments that would last only six weeks at a time.

But Petty Officer 3rd Class Sean Erickson, 27, an electrician mate aboard the 225-foot Coast Guard cutter Walnut, is on a mission in the Arabian Gulf that is expected to keep him away from home for at least six months. Dainya wants to begin the countdown to his return, but they haven't even reached the halfway mark.

She, Dalton and 7-month-old Carmen sleep with the teddy bears her husband sent when he was in Guam.

"Whenever we miss Sean, we're supposed to hug it," she said. "He says he can feel it when we hug it."

Bracing for uncertainty

Sheila Fedor, 31, learned just a few weeks ago that her husband was heading to war.

Chief Warrant Officer Chris Fedor, a 30-year-old reconnaissance helicopter pilot, volunteered to fill an open spot with the Army's Central Command Area of Operations in the Middle East, where he'll be for six months or longer.

The Makakilo couple met in the Army and married five years ago. Sheila left the Army to have children. The longest Chris had been gone previously was a month or so.

This time, he has been gone a little more than a week. So far, he's been able to call every day.

Sheila is bracing herself for whatever might come.

Her experience in the military helps her understand her husband's commitment to his job. But already things are different. They used to run together. Now her morning jogs are solo. A hubcap came off the car the other day, and people at a bus stop helped her fix it.

On the bright side, she has a list of chick flicks to catch up on. She's teaching herself guitar chords. She's volunteering at St. Michael's School and converting their library system to computer reference.

At home, she has set out pictures of her husband for herself and their 3- and 4-year-old girls. They are making him a video and care package. Hobbies have been her salvation to fill the time. She plans to keep busy with things like ceramics and scrapbooking.

She will allow herself to watch the news only a few minutes a day. She doesn't want to dwell on possibilities of what might go wrong.

"It's so easy to get depressed," she said. "I've been there."

Do what you can

Military spouses should expect to give more than they receive and try to hold down the fort with a smile, said author Leslie Karsner from Falls Church, Va., who wrote "The Long Distance Romance Guide."

Company alleviates misery, she said, and things such as starting a Sunday supper group can help.

She advises separated couples to focus on what really matters instead of on leftover issues. She suggests sending packages that incorporate the senses: maybe a scented hanky, lock of hair, photo, stick of gum and a CD of favorite songs. Swapping journals or creating a Web page also can be therapeutic, she said.

Even for military spouses whose loved one is not in the Gulf, war is an anxious time.

"You do what you have to do," said Eva Culbreth, whose husband, 31-year-old Christopher Culbreth, is an Air Force technical sergeant on a one-year tour in South Korea. "It's a fact of life in the military."

Even after her 6-year-old son broke his arm skateboarding and her lawn mower blade went out, Eva looked for the positive, such as dinners for deployed spouses and outings with the enlisted spouses' club.

Technology helps

For those with spouses in war zones, sleep comes in spurts. Dainya Erickson is down to three hours a night. She doesn't like to watch the news. But she is addicted to e-mail.

The e-mails are mostly love notes: "I miss you so much." "I can't wait to hold you."

"We say, 'I love you' two or three times," she said. "I always put in my e-mails to be extra careful."

She also e-mails updates on the children. Carmen was 5 months old when he left. He's missed a few firsts, like Carmen rolling over, sitting up and teething.

Dainya has sent a video with highlights such as Dalton's Spiderman party. His phone calls are infrequent because his cell phone doesn't work out at sea. Dainya takes her cell phone everywhere, just in case.

She says she doesn't know what she would do without e-mail.

She messaged him about redecorating the living room. He told her she can paint it however she likes.

She, too, fills time with hobbies. She enrolled in a stained-glass class, as if a baby and a toddler don't keep her busy enough.

When her husband was home, she'd wake up with him no matter what time he had to be at work. She'd follow him outside, kiss him goodbye, tell him to be careful and to call her on his way home. Then she'd watch until she couldn't see him anymore.

She wants that routine back.

For now, all she can do is pray for his safe return. And send another e-mail.

Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for The Advertiser. Reach her at 525-8026 or tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com.

Strategies for coping when a loved one is deployed overseas

Help your child handle it

• Set up a communication center. Hang up a map and a cork board for pictures. Show your child where the parent is deployed, and post pictures and letters.
• Help the children use a video camera or tape recorder to make a video or audio tape to send in a care package.
• Make a scrapbook for the deployed parent and frame a picture of the parent for the children to keep.
• Think of creative activities that will help children mark time, such as breaking a paper chain each day or eating jelly beans that represent the passing days.

Help yourself

• Army: The Family Readiness Group is the primary link between families and deployed soldiers. Information is available through the Army Community Service Center (655-2748 or 655-2744), or look for resources on the Web at www.mwrarmyhawaii.com.
• Navy: The Fleet & Family Support Center (473-4222) provides a variety of support services to Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard families. It's on the Web at www.pearlharbor.navy.mil/ffsc/.
• Air Force: The Family Support Center (449-2494) is the liaison between deployed service members and their spouses. The center uses a secured Web site unavailable to the public. You can also check out www.afcrossroads.com
• Marines: The Key Volunteer Network (477-0172) is a resource center for Marine Corps spouses and families, or check out www.mfp.usmc.mil/family.html.
• Coast Guard: The Work-Life Center (541-1580) provides services such as counseling and crisis management, or look online at www.uscg.mil/mlcpac/ischon/w/w_index.htm.