FAMILY MATTERS
Here's excuse — er, reason — for hubby's inattention
By Michael C. DeMattos
Husbands are often criticized for not listening. I think this criticism is merited and would likely benefit from greater research. I have encountered Dimensionally Unresponsive Husband Syndrome, or DUHS, with some frequency among my friends.
As a phenomenon, DUHS can best be described as the failure on the part of the husband to listen and attend to his wife while engaged in an engrossing activity of some self-determined importance.
Interestingly, what seems to confuse most wives is the variability of DUHS. Remember that it is the husband who determines the importance of any given activity. In most cases of DUHS, the object is a moving target. Today it is kayaking; tomorrow it may be fine wines, and the next day, pocket knives. It is nearly impossible to predict. But the apparent passion and fervor with which it is pursued is impressive.
While I have not personally experienced DUHS, I have seen the damage done.
The reality is that DUHS is widely misunderstood. Many a man has been unfairly labeled as uncaring, hearing impaired, negligent or insensitive. The latter may be true but it is rarely maliciously intended.
DUHS can often be misdiagnosed. There may be other excuses — I mean, reasons — for the symptomology. In my case, I actually do suffer from high pitch hearing loss on my right side. This, of course, explains why my wife yells into my left ear with her deepest baritone voice when she wants my full attention.
DUHS should NEVER be confused with TV comatosis. These are two completely different disorders.
I have this friend who after just a year of marriage was showing the early signs of TV comatosis. This friend would be watching the game when his wife would begin a conversation. Surprisingly, he never saw her sitting next to him and was concerned that he might have been hearing voices. He was positive that he heard something, but the words were unintelligible and apparently disembodied.
Then one day he heard his wife shout loud and clear into his left ear, "I am having an affair."
He bolted up, screaming, "What?"
"I just wanted to see if you were listening, that's all," she replied.
He was pretty shaken up, but seemed to make a quick recovery and thankfully was able to finish the game. The Lakers beat the Sixers by 3. YES!
While DUHS can be problematic to the family system in general and detrimental to the parental pair in particular, it is important to note that by and large the activities and passions are innocuous. In most cases the joy experienced by the husband outweigh his inability to listen or attend.
Because we do not fully understand DUHS, I think it critical to cut me — I mean, cut husbands —some slack.
Husbands do not find their families boring. They are not insensitive or uncaring, though some may be hearing impaired.
We may find that DUHS is a disorder found in all men that hibernates until marriage or somehow gets exacerbated just after marriage. We just do not know.
I doubt that DUHS will ever be cured. Instead, it must be managed. Husbands should pursue their passions, but never lose sight of what's most important, family. Now, how about a fine merlot.
Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. He is a family therapist, educator, trainer, storyteller and angler, and lives in Kane'ohe with his wife and 6-year-old daughter. Reach him at: Family Matters, Island Life, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; at ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.
