Affleck, Lopez can't help mealy 'Gigli'

By Marshall Fine
The (Westchester, N.Y.) Journal News

GIGLI: Two Stars (Fair) A not-too-bright mob enforcer is teamed with a lesbian partner to handle the kidnapping of a retarded boy, in this slow, meandering romantic comedy that seems less interested in forward motion than picturesque dawdling. Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez. Directed by Martin Brest. Columbia Pictures. 124 minutes.

They'll also be seen together later this year in Kevin Smith's "Jersey Girl," which can only be an improvement over "Gigli."

Their chemistry in the film isn't really an issue after the first couple of scenes. Which means you can focus on the film's real problems: It's too long and the script isn't funny. Also, its sense of pace could generously be called leisurely.

"Gigli" blends elements of "Chasing Amy" (in which Affleck played another "Oh darn, I'm in love with a lesbian" guy) and "Prizzi's Honor," with a dash of "Rain Man" thrown in for good measure. Director Martin Brest ("Midnight Run," "Scent of a Woman" and "Meet Joe Black") works his way from scene to scene and feeling to feeling, telling his story in slow motion so as not to confuse the audience.

Affleck plays Larry Gigli (pronounced jee-lee; "Rhymes with really," he tells mispronouncers), an arm-breaker for a low-level L.A. crime boss named Louis (Lenny Venito). Louis is the abusive type and Gigli, a bit of a screw-up, is usually on the receiving end.

Gigli's new assignment: to kidnap the retarded brother of a federal prosecutor, who is making a case against Louis' New York boss. Louis believes this gambit will change the prosecutor's mind and earn him favor from his boss.

So Gigli walks into a facility for the developmentally disabled and casually walks out with the brother, an amiable and limited young man named Brian (Justin Bartha), taking him back to his apartment to stash him. That's about as far as Gigli's imagination goes.

But a knock on the door gives him other ideas. It's a gorgeous young woman named Ricki (Jennifer Lopez), claiming to be a new neighbor in need of a phone.

In fact, while berating him for letting her in, she reveals that she's muscle-for-hire just like he is, sent by Louis to make sure Gigli doesn't blow this assignment in some unexpected way.

Oh, and by the way, she tells him when he winds up to make a pass at her: Don't bother, I'm gay.

The rest of the film disjointedly follows this half-baked scheme, but Brest barely seems interested in mob politics, kidnapping or even the budding relationship between Gigli and Brian. Like Howard Stern, what Brest is interested in is lesbianism.

That's the part of this movie that Brest focuses on: Gigli pining for Ricki, Ricki deflating him with brainy wisecracks, Gigli coming back for more like a lovesick puppy. You could fill an entire reel with just the footage of Affleck and Lopez gazing adoringly at each other, the sun highlighting their hair perfectly.

This is occasionally interrupted by scenes in which they buddy up to Brian, who is more of a symbol than a character. Though the script sentimentalizes Brian, newcomer Bartha doesn't overplay the character's disability for either laughs or cheap tears.

For variety, Brest drops in guest-star appearances by famous faces who pop in for a single scene: Lainie Kazan as Gigli's mouthy mother; Christopher Walken as a cop who suspects Gigli of the kidnapping early on; and Al Pacino as Louis' ruthless superior. They're each on-camera just long enough to make you wish that they'd stick around — and then disappear never to be seen again.

And that's "Gigli." It rhymes with mealy. No big dealie.

Rated R for graphic violence, profanity, partial nudity, and sexuality.