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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, August 3, 2003

COMMENTARY
Doing more hugging could help heal our world

By Joel Kennedy

The other day I was reading "Lessons for Dylan," the book by Joel Siegel, movie critic for ABC's "Good Morning America." He started me thinking about hugs and how important they are.

Staff Sgt. Billy Walker was wrapped in hugs Thursday when the 1st Battalion, 180th Infantry, 45th Infantry Bridge returned to Oklahoma.

Associated Press

He was talking about how difficult it was for people to know what to do and say after his first wife died of cancer.

Here's how he put it: " ... It was the black kids and the Latinos I worked with who had an easier time of coming up to me and giving me a hug and telling me how sorry they were. Kids from big, sprawling, poor families where you learn to share everything — even sorrow.

"It was the middle-class kids who were anxious, whose body language let me know how uncomfortable they were, who didn't know what to say."

Siegel said he would have liked for people to tell him how sorry they were even when they didn't know what else to say. He wanted sincerity, not avoidance. He ends it there, but I want to put in a word for the value of a good, solid, full-frontal-contact hug! Woman to woman, man to man, woman to man, adult to child, child to child — makes no difference.

Nothing feels as good or heals as well as a hug.

What do I mean by a hug? I don't mean those prissy ones where people lean out so their faces or shoulders make contact but they keep as much distance as possible between their other body parts. Take a look at some of the world leaders who meet and kiss each other on the cheek. All formality, no emotion. Actually, they don't even really kiss each other. They brush cheeks and kiss air.

No wonder world peace is so elusive. A good, arm-pumping handshake would have more emotion. At least they'd be touching for a moment longer.

Some women do something similar, especially when they're dressed up. Heaven forbid they should mess their makeup or wrinkle their dresses! They lean over like trees in the wind as they greet each other, then snap back to the upright position as soon as the greeting is over. It's as if they're afraid to have any part of their clothes or jewelry touch.

Is looking good that much more important than genuine human contact?

I wonder if part of the problem lies in how we define personal space. Those raised in close quarters with a lot of people become comfortable with being close to others. Those raised with room to spare, don't. Economics may not have as much to do with it as the amount of space we've had around us throughout our lives.

I've been thinking about these things since I read Joel Siegel's description, and I've come to the conclusion that we need to start a crusade against the leaning-in, air-kissing greeting. It's sterile. It lacks emotion. It's self-serving. It's just too risk-free. Heaven forbid people should get emotionally involved with one another!

Real hugs are so natural. Every parent knows instinctively that a hug will make a child's hurt feel better. Little kids in preschool will hug another child who's crying. Children also love to wrap their arms around pets — much to the pet's dismay, in many cases.

I have yet to see a player on a winning athletic team lean into a teammate with a prissy hug to celebrate a victory. Male or female, athletes hug and jump around in each other's arms when they're happy. Then there's the chest-bumping when someone makes a great play. These are jocks.

Can you imagine a group of strait-laced bureaucrats doing the same? Not on your life. The only ones who come close are the folks at NASA. They know how to whoop it up when something goes right, which may stem from the fact that they've been through tough times together, too. The same holds true for the members of our military forces. Athletes, soldiers, astronauts — they all experience highs and lows together.

Real emotion deserves an honest, heartfelt demonstration.

Happy? Grab someone. Hug 'em hard. Jump up and down. Shake their hands with vigor. Dance if you want. Give them a big kiss. Let people know how happy you are and how happy you are to be able to share that happiness with them. Don't hold back.

Sad? Sit quietly and hold hands or put your arms around one another. Hug long and well, for as long as the person needs it. Touch is so comforting; it says things words cannot convey. Do something for the person in pain. Offer food, give a drink of water, do errands, lend your shoulder to cry on. Just be there for the person.

Hugging is something we all can do. It takes no training. And it feels so good. It's the one thing I know that is better than petting a dog.

When my children were small, we found a book that described many different types of hugs. We used to read it with them and do some of the hugs together. It was not something we intentionally set out to do. We stumbled on the book, and it turned out to be a lot of fun. The one hug I still remember is the "sandwich hug" — two people hugging with a third person in the middle. Our kids loved being in the middle.

We still hug a lot even though both our children are now out of college. You never outgrow hugging.

However, I admit you have to vary your tactics with teenagers. Sometimes they'll only accept an arm around the shoulder ... but you can still give them a good squeeze when you do it. Other times, you may have to sneak up from behind and put your arms around their shoulders from the back. Yep, there are all kinds of hugs. Feel free to be creative.

Several years ago, during my rounds as a participant in the Hawaiian Humane Society's pet therapy program, I'd sometimes take my standard poodle to visit the adolescent psych patients at Queen's.

My dog, Max, was big — about 3 feet high — so many of the girls would keep their distance. But he was very gentle and, more often than not, he'd end up down on the floor with the boys who took turns playing with him and hugging him. Their macho reputations were safe if they hugged a big dog. It was obvious that they loved the contact. Max liked anyone who liked him, and it made the boys feel good to get close to him.

To be a good hugger requires nothing more than motivation. If you really want to hug someone, do it whole-hog. No reservations. I held my twin brother when either of my parents died. He needed a hug more than anyone else at those moments. I gave really big hugs to my children when they graduated from college and I made sure they each understood how truly proud I was of them.

I've hugged people at work who were in pain for one reason or another. (It's easy. You just say, "You look like you could use a hug. May I hug you?") I hug my new son-in-law whenever he comes to visit. And last, but certainly not least, I hug my wife almost every day.

How do you give a really good hug?

It's easy. Open your arms wide. Move right in, body to body, and close your arms around the other person. (There's nothing sexual about this.) Squeeze enough so you both feel it. You can talk quietly into each other's ears if you want, although with silence you can really focus on the warmth of the hug. Pat the person on the back if it seems right.

Don't be afraid to hold on a little longer than you think you should. And — most importantly — don't act embarrassed when it's over. You've just shown someone that you really care, and that's great! On top of that, every hug comes with an unconditional guarantee: The more you do it, the better you'll get.

Joel Kennedy , a former communications executive, now is a writer and consultant.