College-bound coping

• Tips for outbound college students

By Chris Oliver
Advertiser Staff Writer

Doreen Otaguro of Kuli'ou'ou and her son Devan Otaguro attended an informal get-together, called "Summer Sendoff," for Hawai'i students attending the University of Colorado-Boulder. Devan Otaguro will be a freshman at the school this fall. The UC alumni organization arranged the gathering. Photos by Eugene Tanner The Honolulu Advertiser

Allan Ng, center, a 1998 graduate of University of Colorado-Boulder, shares his experiences with Christine Feldmann, left, and her son Erich Hacker, who will be a freshman at the school this fall.

Tips for parents Respect students' time, schedule and new life (visiting is great, but no surprise visits). Agree on boundaries for keeping in touch (time of regular calls, or e-mail). Have confidence in a son's/daughter's ability to handle the rough spots. It's OK for parents to have some real expectations, as long as they are stated. Talk about some of the traps — binge drinking, out-of-control behaviors. Expect a student to stay at least one semester (one year is better, a lot adjust in the second semester) and earn transferable credits no matter what. Don't bring them home too easily or quickly; time and encouragement to adjust helps.

Iolani grad Matt Wynhoff, who's heading to the University of Wisconsin-Madison this fall, has been showing his out-of-town cousin around O'ahu this summer, soaking up some sun and wondering if he'll look cool in ear muffs during Wisconsin's fierce winters.

Nursing a hand injury, Kahuku High grad Kapua Torres is using the summer to lift weights in readiness for wrestling training at Pacific University in Oregon.

Pickles, Wynhoff and Torres are among many Hawai'i teens leaving the Islands for colleges on the Mainland and abroad.

Despite cell phones, e-mail and (for some students) family members living in the state the students are headed for, the adjustments are enormous — for parents and students.

"I'm not nervous about going." Torres said. "The challenge will be to balance my time between academics and athletics, training and studying. I want to make the wrestling team, and I have to figure out the best way. Yes, I'll miss my boyfriend, but I have to go."

Torres' father, Reggie Torres, is in tune with his daughter's feelings. "I think she feels pressure over expectations about her wrestling performance. But for her it's a positive charge, and it pumps her up," he said. "It's 'Gee, they think I'm that good, Dad,' that kind of thing.

"We're very excited for her. We want her to be successful, but we're going to miss her; we're a very close family. I'm trying to be less emotional than her mom because I don't want her to feel bad about going."

Most students — and parents — are excited about what's ahead in the weeks leading up to a college departure.

"I don't really want to leave Hawai'i, but it's also a relief to get away," Wynhoff said.

He went on to muse happily about his prospects for independence: "No one to tell me what to do, ever. I have to get on with it, homework, classes, roommate, and, yes, laundry!"

His mother, Leslie Wynhoff, added: "It's a good thing for Matt to go, and a great chance to experience something other than Hawai'i and Hawaiian culture. Right now, we don't sense any anxiety, because he's busy, but we joke with him that life isn't going to be this good. He'll be on his own with his laundry and his own decisions."

Ask most freshmen-to-be how they're feeling about going off to college, and they'll quickly answer, "Fine." But counselors know the other side.

It's "more of an adjustment than they realize," said Bobbie Sandoz, a Honolulu parenting and relationships counselor.

"Up until now the way has been paved; everything is exciting. When they actually get there it's a little different, with a lot more independence than they're used to, including responsibility for getting to class on time, managing money and getting along with a new roommate.

"If they hit snags, like they don't like the roommate, it can loom large. Suddenly, you're in close quarters with someone you don't know, which is a huge loss of privacy. How do you create boundaries and handle disputes?"

Sandoz said one of the biggest issues on college campuses is drugs and alcohol. "Kids need a plan on how they are going to handle themselves in situations," she said. "... (Drugs and alcohol) might not look like a problem for a while, but lots of kids can get into serious trouble. Parents and kids need to have a real conversation about this before they go away."

Learning to handle yourself and be motivated, of course, is part of the college experience, skills that develop directly from living away from home.

In Pickles' case, her senior year at Hilo High School was marred by a lack of motivation, said her father Andrew — and graduating early in March to begin the Australian academic year in March was a good thing. "She's since learned to live independently, making her own living arrangements on and off the campus; she's become very capable," he said. "And the motivation to work hard has returned."

Saskia admitted to a few bumps at first, but said she didn't really feel homesick until she was almost ready to come home in July for Australia's winter break. "Within a couple of weeks of getting to Griffith, I'd made friends," she said.

To ward off worries about loneliness, many colleges arrange for Hawai'i students attending the same college to meet each other before they leave. Last month, the University of Colorado held a "Summer Sendoff," an informal get-together at Paki Hale in Kapi'olani Park, arranged by the UC alumni association.

Kawohi Mahuka, a 2003 Kamehameha grad, got to meet around 20 fellow students; exchange dorm information and cell-phone numbers; and meet alumni who issued bulletins not just about the weather (tales of zero degrees by Thanksgiving weekend) but also about Boulder's Aloha Club, where Hawai'i students get together, eat local food and chat about home.

Delayed homesickness is common, said Julie Carter, director of college counseling at Mid-Pacific Institute. "Most colleges do a great job of welcoming freshmen," she said, "but then usually around October they have all this work staring at them, and maybe the roommate they thought they liked is not so great. Reality sets in."

Carter tells students in high school: " 'You're going to be homesick; it isn't fatal, and there are some remedies.' But often we forget to say what the symptoms are: They'll feel lonely, sometimes even physically sick, they might not be sleeping well or might lose their appetite."

At this point, being in touch with friends and family, and especially finding help on campus, are essential, she said.

Carter said one of the biggest problems for Hawai'i students is their reluctance to ask for help. "It's the island thing of 'Don't make a fuss,' or 'Don't call attention to yourself,' " she said.

Citing a 1997 study by psychology professor Alyson Burns-Glover of Pacific University in Oregon, Carter said that students who grow up in Hawai'i, regardless of their ethnic background or the high school they attended, are less likely to ask for help than their Mainland counterparts, whether academic, emotional or practical.

"When problems arise, Hawai'i kids will turn to their family rather than their friends ... which then plays into the cycle of homesickness," she said.

"What we hear over and over from Mainland college counselors with regard to Hawai'i kids is to encourage them to ask us for help," Carter said. "It's important for families to reinforce this."

Tips for outbound college students

Julie Carter, director of college counseling at Mid-Pacific Institute, has counseled high school students and parents for 17 years and sent two children to college. She offers these tips for students:

• Know that having cold feet just before leaving is natural. But go ahead and give this new place a try; you can always come home later. Usually those who adjust well have a bit of a sense of adventure, like other travelers.
• Understand that many (but not all) students get homesick; be aware of the "October blues." Know the symptoms of homesickness, and know that it isn't fatal. It can be part of a growing experience that builds independence.
• Be willing to share something of your culture and Hawai'i with others. Students from Hawai'i are generally very popular on the Mainland. They have a reputation for getting along well with others and being responsible as well as flexible.
• Don't wait for others to come to you. Others need friends, too.
• Keep busy, try to learn something about the new community/culture, and remember that other places have culture too. Don't expect it to be like Hawai'i.
• Appreciate your parents; it means a lot to those who are sacrificing time with you as well as providing financial support.
• Commit to keep in touch with family members.
• Attend orientation meetings, find at least one extracurricular activity to participate in, and stay at college for a certain stretch, even if you're unhappy or homesick.
• Use the resources of the college to get help, even regarding small things.