Single mother by choice growing in numbers
By Mary Kaye Ritz
Advertiser staff Writer
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| Heidi Lennstrom and her daughter, Fiona, tease each other in their home in Palolo. Lennstrom became a single parent by choice.
Photos by Jeff Widener • The Honolulu Advertiser |
Lennstrom is a single mother, by her own choice. Fiona was conceived through artificial insemination. But that means Lennstrom doesn't have anyone to hand over the reins to when breakfast dishes need to be put away, or when she needs to go into warden mode for Toy Jail, which is where Fiona's toys will go if she doesn't put them away.
Lennstrom is among the growing number of women who choose to start a family without a dad in the picture.
Jane Mattes, a New York-based psychotherapist who wrote "Single Mothers By Choice: A Guidebook for Single Women Who are Considering or Have Chosen Motherhood," created a national network for single mothers who fit this description. She categorizes her audience into "thinkers" (women considering single motherhood) and those actively seeking a child or who are already mothers. Mattes estimates that more than half of her 2,000-member network belong in the "thinker" category.
In Mattes' network, of those who already have children, more than half conceived through insemination, about 25 percent have adopted and others became pregnant through a known donor or sex partner. Mattes falls in the latter category — she found herself pregnant, but the man did not want children.
Lennstrom falls in Mattes' first group. Knowing she wanted a child, she turned to artificial insemination.
"I had the American dream of a husband, house, family," said Lennstrom, an associate archaeologist in the Hawaiian and Pacific Studies Department of the Bishop Museum. "Hey, you can get a husband when you're 50, but you can't have a baby."
She'd had a couple of prospects for the "happily ever after" part, but for whatever reason, they didn't work out. So at 37, she started looking at catalogs for sperm donors, even though she was casually dating a fellow at the time. They did think about procreating together — "for about 24 hours," she said.
She ended up using the California Cryobank, and liked one donor entry — not just because he was hapa (part French, part Chinese, part Hawaiian): When the donor was asked his ambition, the 6-foot, 180-pound man, who then was about 21 years old, was quoted in detailed profile as saying, "To play guitar for a rock and roll band. If that doesn't happen, I will be an English teacher."
"That showed a sense of humor," said Lennstrom, who paid $175 per vial for seven samples of his frozen sperm.
Lennstrom knows others made the same purchase and, curious, she checked an online donor sibling registry. By a fluke, however, she found Fiona's half-brother, who lives in California, through friends of friends.
"We met him through his two moms," Lennstrom said. "They have family in Hawai'i."
They still exchange Christmas cards and pictures of the kids.
Ask Fiona about her dad, and she responds: "He's in California. We don't know his name."
Self-care important
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| Heidi Lennstrom used the California Cryobank to choose a sperm donor. Fiona was conceived through artificial insemination.
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"It's an individual choice," said Joseph, "not a right or wrong."
Joseph put on a seminar last year in Washington, D.C. for single mothers by choice there. In it, she urged women to hear their own intuitive voice, consider their motives, and to "communicate with the soul of her child," to see if it wants to be born in this situation.
Representing another category of single-by-choice motherhood is Holly Stepanian, a foster mother who adopted two girls younger than age 8 after she turned 50.
"I really, really wanted a child," said Stepanian, who had divorced years ago, "before even thinking about having children."
Stepanian, who works as a clown as well as an assistant pastor of Hope Chapel Kailua, said having a good support network is key.
She rattles off the other villagers who help raise her children: Aunty Sue takes them after church; baby-sitters in her condo complex make sure she can get to work; workers at day care.
Stepanian tends to her own self-care, too. She prays daily, walks and meditates, gets massages and takes part in a women's group.
There are moments, though, that only another single mother by choice could understand. Like the time the principal called.
"Your daughter is telling everyone God is her father."
Her response: "Well, he is!"
For other male role models, Stepanian relies on "loving uncle types" through her church.
Lennstrom, too, can count on others. She remembers when Fiona told her, "I don't need a dad. I have uncles."
Individual choice
One question raised by single-by-choice motherhood is whether it's beneficial to a child to take men completely out of the picture.
Said Donald Kopf, a psychologist for Positive Potential Counseling & Consulting: "If somebody can go out and have a child on her own, it goes beyond reproduction, it says something about what men contribute to raising children in society."
But while some worry about the message these mothers send, others say it simply reflects society's current values.
"I think this is the age of individual choice," said Will Nuessle, a psychologist who splits his time between Alternatives for Change and Hawai'i Counseling & Education Center. "Choices that make sense for (the individual) might not make sense to the rest of society, (or) fit in with cultural mores. It's more of a cultural issue than a psychological issue."
Dr. Sheri Sloggett-Shanks a clinical psychologist for Kaiser Behavioral Health Services, said the decision to become a single mother is not a common issue for therapy.
"If someone came in, we'd explore reasons why," she said, "to make sure it wasn't because they were lonely."
While studies have shown single parents can raise children well, Sloggett-Shanks did caution SMC "thinkers" to think the matter through fully, raising such questions as: How will you explain later, when your child asks, "Who's my dad?"
"When (the child) goes to school, there's the whole other aspect of feeling different," she said. "Kids want to feel normal. As society changes (it may be normal), but right now, society is married people having children."
Children need input and role modeling from both sexes — and mothers need backup.
"Having a husband is for the wife, not just the child," she added.
Reach Advertiser religion & ethics writer Mary Kaye Ritz at 525-8035 or at mritz@honoluluadvertiser.com.
