Unrealistic 'Uptown Girls' falls flat on its face

By Bill Muller
The Arizona Republic

UPTOWN GIRLS (Rated PG-13) One Star (Poor) It's entirely possible that no two people like the characters in "Uptown Girls" have ever existed in modern civilization. This comedy without laughs stars Brittany Murphy as a displaced socialite who is forced to take a job as a nanny. Also stars Dakota Fanning. Directed by Boaz Yakin. MGM. 93 minutes.

These characters don't exist.

It's not just that they're fictional. It's entirely possible that no two people like this have ever existed in modern civilization. This comedy without laughs stars Brittany Murphy ("Don't Say a Word" and "Just Married") as Molly Gunn, who on one hand is supposed to be some kind of snotty Paris Hilton-type socialite, yet pursues a goofy, guitar-playing warbler with the wide-eyed desperation of a collie begging for a pork chop.

Murphy's performance, punctuated occasionally by an obvious pratfall, neither charms nor enlightens but rather lulls the audience into a semiconscious trance. With her slight frame headed for Lara Flynn Boyle territory, your strongest impulse while watching "Uptown Girls" is to buy the woman a ham sandwich.

Molly lives in a fancy pad, compliments of her deceased rock-star father. A few minutes into the movie, she loses all her money when her business manager flees the country. She apparently has no relatives or friends of substance, because she immediately is forced to seek employment.

This introduces a second preposterous character: Ray (Dakota Fanning), an 8-year-old going on 38. Beset by numerous neuroses and a perpetual frown, Ray is left in the care of nannies, who inevitably quit under Ray's torrent of verbal abuse. Despite such obstacles, Molly takes the job.

Although smart-mouth children are the rage these days, no kid can come up with this many sophisticated put-downs. This is a child being fed lines by adults who think it's oh-so-precious when a little girl flashes her middle finger.

This is no fault of Fanning ("I Am Sam"), a talented youngster who puts energy into the part.

There's hardly a realistic moment in the film. It's filled with Murphy's on-again, off-again klutziness, and tired moments, such as when Molly and Ray squabble over a plate in the kitchen and end up breaking it. Gee, there's an original bit.

"Uptown Girls" is notable for one reason: It includes the most dreadful phony rock song in recent memory, tonelessly belted out by Molly's love interest, Neal (Jesse Spencer), whose acting somehow is worse than his singing. Not only must we listen to the tune over and over, but we're obliged to believe that it rockets to the top of the charts, despite sounding like a department-store commercial.

Besides that, "Uptown Girls" is more likely to have you singing the blues.

Rated PG-13 for language, sexual content.