Perfect skin! Easy job! Junk e-mail hawks an illusion

By Jim Shea
Hartford (Conn.) Courant

People often wonder where they would be today without e-mail.

I've been wondering who I would be today if I were to take advantage of all the unsolicited opportunities I receive via my e-mail.

Let me describe my e-mail self:

Probably the first thing you would notice about me is that I have large breasts, which I acquired naturally in just 30 days without surgery.

Something you wouldn't notice right away is that I have also been recently endowed with more than life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness — if you catch my drift — and while I have no idea how this was accomplished, just thinking about the possibilities does make one wince.

But that isn't the only area in which I have achieved longevity. My skin problems have been solved forever, I have eliminated wrinkles and cellulite forever, and reversed the aging process forever.

I have a great job, too, one for which I am paid to sit on the couch and watch television. When I combine my television job with my other job — making $1,500 a week stuffing envelopes — I do pretty well.

I'm pretty fortunate in other ways, too. I have the best cell phone deal around, the lowest mortgage rate anywhere and exclusive tips on some hot stocks that I'd like to share but can't because we don't want them to go up in value too fast for a reason I'm not entirely clear on.

Speaking of wealth, get this. The other day, Dr. Williams Banigo of the Federal Secretariat in Lagos, Nigeria, sent me an e-mail asking if I would be willing to allow him to deposit $16.5 million in my checking account, for which he would be willing to pay me a 10 percent commission. We're still working on the details, but I guess I have to send him some money first.

Did I mention that I am very popular with women? Particularly ones from Russia. I don't know how they know me, but they are willing to marry me sight unseen. Another woman who likes me has a video camera set up in her bedroom so I can see her 24 hours a day. And then there's Linda, who's "bored with her husband" and wants me to flirt with her.

Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I have just been offered more half-price Viagra than you can shake a stick at.

I'll tell you, what a life. I'm even on a diet in which I can eat as much pizza as I want and still lose weight.

The greatest thing about my e-mail existence, though, is that just when I think things can't get any better, they do.

This just in: I am never going to have to worry about septic-tank issues again.

So, you know, now I got that going for me, too.