Parents can help even timid kids gain confidence

By Richard Nilsen
Arizona Republic

Tea Rose Cloos, with her red hair and melting smile, stands at the edge of the ocean with a finger at her mouth, measuring whether to go in the water.

Blond Carol Lily, her fraternal twin sister, races with abandon directly into the surf, laughing and giggling and having a grand time.

At the beach, the 3-year-olds couldn't be more different. One appears confident. Even when she is stung by a jellyfish and runs out of the water, Carol Lily turns right around and dashes back in.

Nothing bothers her. She runs to the front of every parade.

But not Tea Rose. She seems timid. Parents and grandparents wonder whether she will be confident enough as she grows up.

Every parent wants his or her child to benefit from a secure sense of confidence, but how can you help, when it is clear that even twins, raised identically, can be opposites when faced with new experience?

Are children just born that way?

"Even though their basic personalities may be inborn, the kids also have other stuff going on," psychotherapist Carol Bettino says. "So, although it's true that there are some children who will lead the parade and others who will be afraid to get on, you can't avoid the environment."

It's the old question of nature vs. nurture.

Professionals call the nature part of a child's personality "temperament." It is a child's hard wiring. But even timid children can develop confidence with the right guidance from parents.

And while the outgoing child appears to have an edge, that kind of social confidence isn't the only kind a child can have.

"I watched a classmate of my daughter go through preschool," says Arizona State University West psychology professor Paul Miller. "Loud noises bothered him, and he'd cry.

His parents were exceptional at dealing with the child, Miller says.

"They never pressured him, never forced him. They let him self-regulate, even if it meant he wouldn't join a group of friends. They never gave him a hard time about it."

Instead, his father spent a good deal of time with the boy, playing games together or reading.

"Now this kid is a computer whiz and jumps from one machine to another, one program to another."

He found the context in which he was confident.

So, if you want to do good as a parent, you have to know where you are starting. You have to pay attention to your child and listen to what he or she has to say. There is no shortcut.

"Children develop confidence by learning to master challenges," says Miller. "Self-confidence comes from self-reliance." Here are some quiet ways to challenge your child to become more confident with his or her own achievements:

• When you give your children chores or offer them books a little more advanced than their age, their confidence increases as they learn they can perform them or read them.

• When your child does well, congratulate him or her with words of encouragement or a hug.

"This one is tricky," Miller says. "You don't want them to do things merely to get a reward. Then you take the joy out of it. So, don't reward them for getting an 'A,' but for the hard work they put in that resulted in the grade."

Psychotherapist Carol Bettino says, "Use your praise in the middle of a task, not just the end."

• Don't run your child's life for him or her. You may think you are providing security by taking everything on yourself, but if a child is given no responsibility, he or she cannot develop confidence. This also means you should sometimes do what the child wants to do — let him or her direct a shared activity.

• "Invite them to join you in your tasks," Miller says.

If you are fixing the car or cooking the evening meal, find age-appropriate ways the child can help.

• "Don't compare your child with other children," Miller says. "Say, 'You ran that race in 11 seconds last time, now maybe you can do it in 10.' Never say, 'The other girl ran that in 10 seconds, can you match her?' "

"It's important to remember that kids' confidence will wax and wane," Miller says.

You should expect even an otherwise confident child to feel less so during a divorce or when he or she changes schools after a move.

Even an adventurous child in grade school may become unsure in high school. Or a timid child may discover confidence in good grades or a developing talent for computers or cooking. Such changes are normal.

"If they don't look confident at 5 or 10," Miller says, "maybe they just haven't found their niche yet."