FAMILY MATTERS
On road to self-knowledge via map of Middle Earth

By Michael C. DeMattos

I was 10 years old and I do not remember why, but I was home alone. I am sure my brother was supposed to be watching me, but like many a 15-year-old, he likely had better things to do.

They say that if you want to know who you are, simply wait until no one is looking. It is then that you are your truest self.

Well, here I was, home alone, and I remember consciously thinking to myself that this was my chance. I could do anything I wanted and not a soul would know.

My first thought was to scour under my brother's bed for girly magazines. No, I could do that anytime. I could have a couple of bowls of ice cream. No, not enough return on investment.

I needed something that was completely off limits. Something that would really push the envelope.

It may be a sad statement of a weak criminal life, but I knew what I had to do. On the top two shelves of the living room bookcase were neat and tidy rows of leather bound classics. My mother gave me specific directions not to touch them. They were collector's editions.

I quickly stacked the ottoman atop the nearest chair and made my ascent. In the left-hand corner closest to the picture window was a golden box holding four books. I snagged the prize, hid it in my room and then awaited my parents' return. It was the perfect crime.

Later that night with flashlight in hand I broke the seal and began exploring the tomes. My mother never missed them, or so I thought. I read until my eyes closed on their own. Within a week I finished "The Lord of the Rings" and my life would be changed forever.

Besides the crime, my most pervasive memory was finding the map of Middle Earth just a few pages past the inside cover.

It revealed a world that I had never been to yet somehow knew.

I did not realize it at the time, but even as I traced my finger across that map, my own life was unfolding.

That singular act defined me in many ways.

I went adventuring, broke a rule and not only got away with it, but was rewarded for my foul deed. I discovered a passion for words that remains till this day. And I learned that a little kid from Wai'anae could travel to worlds as yet unfathomed.

It was life sustaining.

As it turns out my mother knew of my offense, but it was a misdemeanor, at worst.

In fact, it is comforting to know that someone else served as witness to this mini right of passage.

Now, 30 years later, I keep one eye on hearth and home and the other on my daughter, waiting for a defining moment that will reveal in part the person she is to become.

She will believe that she is alone and her true self will come out to play.

At the end of the day, like my own mother, I will tuck her in and kiss her forehead, knowing that just a few pages past the front cover of her life a map is being drawn with a future yet to be discovered.

Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work.