ABOUT MEN

Secret of the slippers keeps man of the house on his toes

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

Men and women are as different as slippers and hats.

This is no laughing matter. Females are a mystery, especially the ones in my house.

Men spend their whole adult lives trying to understand women. Why do they not like ESPN? Why do they insist that all shirts must be tucked in? Why are so many of them unable to kill a cockroach?

Men are no mystery. We're an open book. OK, maybe an open magazine with lots of photographs of women.

Some call men predictable. I view it more simply: We're able to glide through life, like Peter Pan on a starry night. We know when to work and we know when to nap, and believe me, I can nap anywhere.

In college, when I worked as a gardener at the Institute for Astronomy, I often slept in a wheelbarrow. Through the years, I've taught this to Mrs. G. Her sleeping skills are so developed now, she can doze off in mid-sentence.

Unfortunately, I'm often the one talking.

Women have fashion mysteries, too. In my house, it's slippers.

In my home, there is a huge basket by the door we all use to enter and leave the house. Your house probably has one, too, although not like this one.

This one is large enough to be a condo for a small pig, but instead is home to 23 different pairs of footwear, most of which seem to be slippers and all of which belong to Mrs. G. and the Little Darlings. They trade them like school boys trade baseball cards, which is another difference between men and women.

Men would never wear each other's slippers. You see, they've been in a men's room. They know where those slippers have been.

I have four pairs of slippers — one for each door of the house and one to wear on fancy occasions. That's it.

When I go out, I'm a model of kama'aina simplicity. Of course, I own shoes. Two pairs for work, two for workouts.

Mrs. G. and the Little Darlings offer no defense of their footwear fetish but frequently note my addiction to headwear.

There is nothing wrong with a man owning 25 different hats and visors.

No fashion mystery here. Hats are comforting and hide the fact that you're bald.

Men have a relationship with hats. Some are like old friends, some like one-night stands. They speak to attitude, alma maters and lost causes.

Things that are important to men.

The women in my house are allergic to hats. Then again, I've seen them in hats, so maybe the allergy is a good thing.

Lastly, men and women are as different at cars and trucks. (You knew this was coming.)

Thirty-five e-mails and still, she didn't back down. Even after one reader said I should forget the truck and turn her in for a younger model.

Who knew so many of you were truck lovers? I was absolutely convinced you would sway Mrs. G. with your deeply felt messages.

But there's no mystery here. In my house, men and women are as different as slippers and trucks.

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.