What a pair: He goes trolling online, she snoops and finds out
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
Let's talk about cyber-snooping.
An online dater is uncomfortable telling people she met her boyfriend online. What should she say when people ask how they met? Have your say by voting online.
Do you check your significant other's e-mail account? Is the line of privacy a little blurry when it comes to the computer?
Kiss or Miss poll
Maybe you're just trusting your gut when you think something's amiss. And wham! That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach starts to grow when you find something that backs up your suspicions. Sounds like that's what happened to THE SHY ONE.
What she found is either going to be the biggest hurdle she gets over before she marries him, or it's going to keep her from ever trusting him again.
Oh, the tangled web we weave when we snoop on people who may be trying to deceive.
Dear Tanya: My fiancé is a social butterfly, and I am an introvert. Before we met, I was comfortable with myself and my abilities. I have always been shy, but I handled myself quite well in social situations and was even the life of the party at times.
About six months ago, before we became engaged, my guy put his profile on an online dating service. I discovered it by snooping through his e-mails one day. I was greatly distraught, and I confronted him about it. Even though I was hurt, I decided to stay with him and give him a shot.
It has been six months, and I still can't get over it. He has apologized and treats me like a queen. But I'm afraid all he is saying is a bunch of bull and he'll do it again. As a result, I have become pretty isolated and get anxious in social situations, but only when he is present. All of his friends at the graduate school he goes to are women. Before, this never bothered me. Now it does on occasion. How do I heal and forget his Internet episode?
— THE SHY ONE
Danger, Will Robinson! If you can't repair the trust, you're done for.
What were you doing snooping through his e-mail, anyway?
Now you don't trust him around his friends, and your personality changes when he's around. That doesn't bode well for your marriage.
You can't control what he does when you're not watching. You've already confronted him about the problem. He assured you he's sorry and he won't do it again. He proposed since he posted the profile. You accepted his proposal. If you said yes and you meant it, shouldn't that be the end of the problem?
Your actions say otherwise. Being around your love shouldn't make you feel isolated and anxious.
If you really want to heal and forget about the online dating, you've got to give him the benefit of the doubt and stop agonizing over who is being captivated by his charming ways.
If you can't do that, accept that his charm for you has faded. What at first appeared to be a prince may really be a frog. Don't marry a frog.
Need advice? Write to Kisses and Misses, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802, fax 525-8055 or e-mail kissesandmisses@honoluluadvertiser.com.
