FAMILY MATTERS
Game highlights: Forging friendships for life

By Michael C. DeMattos

It was about 11:30 in the morning and my buddy, Shawn, and I were looking out over the ocean. The sea was a churning white stew and though it appeared angry, the salt spray was strangely comforting.

As we scanned the coastline, another friend of mine, Claude, came up and said, "Bet you guys feel torn right about now."

He was right.

We were standing just off the green of one of our new "favorite" golf courses, admiring the sea.

Given the choice, my guess is that we would have been just as content fishing the day away, casting into the seastrand and comparing notes on the best techniques and successful lures.

As is quite common for me, I began to drift off and my thoughts turned to my friends around me.

I have been blessed with outstanding friendships over the years.

It's not about the quantity.

Truth is I have had just a few close friends.

It really has been about the quality.

My friends have been there for me and I hope I have been there for them. In most cases we grew up together.

We are older now with spouses and children.

Time is pretty tough to come by, but somehow we make things happen.

Usually our time together revolves around some activity or game.

We are forever playing. In fact, when I was younger it was all about the game. No matter what we were playing, I wanted to be the best and so did my buddies. More often than not being the best was about winning and so we tested our mettle against each other.

Losing was always difficult and there were times when tempers flared and friendships were strained, but things had a way of working out.

We still play hard, but it's no longer about the competition or even the game. It is about the time spent together.

I had it backward as a kid.

The friends were not there to make for a good game; the game was there to make for good friendships.

This has been an important lesson for me. We fish, and golf and play cribbage and throw darts and shoot hoops. Maybe it's some kind of fatal flaw but the game allows us to express things that we just can't say.

Maybe that's why the old public houses are filled with pool tables and dart boards.

Maybe it is safe.

I have told my wife that I not only want to play, but that I need to play.

I was right, I do need to play, but not for the reasons I originally assumed.

I need to play because it keeps me close to those who are so important to me and allows me to say the things I can't always say.

Just then I heard a golf ball land with a solid thud and was immediately brought back to the moment. Shawn and I turned around, backs now to the ocean.

My friend Steve was already on the green and John had chipped on to within inches of the pin.

"Nice shot!" I shouted.

Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. He is a family therapist, educator, trainer, storyteller and angler, and lives in Kane'ohe with his wife and 6-year-old daughter. Reach him at: Family Matters, Island Life, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; or e-mail ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.