Loving for a lifetime
By Tanya Bricking
Advertiser Staff Writer
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| Clarence and Gertrude Ferdun have been married for 67 1/2 years. Gertrude's advice for staying happily married: "You don't look for trouble. You look for solutions."
Photo illustration by Greg Taylor, photo (right) by Richard Ambo • The Honolulu Advertiser |
Little did she know a suitor had his eye on her from the moment she stepped off the boat.
Clarence Ferdun was almost 26 years old, and the vocational agriculture teacher from California was growing tired of bachelorhood.
He heard the school was hiring a new female teacher, so he was at the dock when she arrived. He waited to introduce himself because someone else was there to greet her.
"We met over school lunch, which was shrimp and long rice — 10 cents," Ferdun recalls.
He thought she was good-looking and pleasant to talk to. Good thing he has such a sweet memory.
She recalls being assigned to a teacher's cottage with no kitchen, and she had no car. Ferdun, on the other hand, had a black Chevrolet sedan and a standing invitation to drive her for evening meals at the Kaua'i Inn, which was the only hotel in Lihu'e at the time.
"I needed transportation. That was my only source," she said. "Things just fell into place."
It seemed like a good fit. They spent more and more time together and married on June 21, 1935.
"We've been married 67 1/2 years," said Ferdun, whose friends call him "Ferd." "I think we just grew. It wasn't a love-at-first-sight sort of thing or a passionate sort of thing."
But it was a commitment that became a long-lasting union.
Clarence, 93, and Gertrude, 90, still hold hands when they sit down to watch television at night.
They will exchange valentine cards today as they have every year for more than half a century.
Her former suitor is still romantic, "in his own way," Gertrude says. "It's not a big display." It is enough to make her smile.
Over the years, they have learned a thing or two about making marriage work.
"I don't know about her, but I never gave it a thought as far as divorce is concerned," he said.
"You don't think of things that are not working out or your unhappiness or anything," she said. "You think about making things work out. You don't look back. You don't look for trouble. You look for solutions."
Defying the odds
When the Ferduns married, golden anniversaries were almost a guarantee, unless someone died first. Today, about half of the 2 million marriages a year in the United States end in divorce.
The National Marriage Project, research conducted at Rutgers University, has found most first marriages these days last eight to 11 years. A July 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics at the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says the probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within five years is 20 percent.
Those who have beaten the odds and made it past the 50-year mark say they did it with a firm sense from the beginning that they were in it for the long haul.
"For older generations, there's a finality to their decision-making," said David Niven, a psychologist and social scientist at Florida
Atlantic University, who studied academic research to find the science behind making relationships work.
His newly published book, "The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships" (HarperSanFrancisco, 2003, $11.95), emphasizes patience, communication and compromise as keys to great relationships.
People who make love last have a commitment to day-to-day tasks that in the sum of their parts seem heroic, Niven said. "With a long-term perspective, they consider where they want to be."
The difference between that strategy and those used by many young couples today is that many young people want instant gratification, he said.
"In modern relationships, there are elements to fairy tales," he said. "It sets expectations at such a high level when you're looking for Prince Charming or a princess."
A lasting marriage has a lot more to do with reality than bliss.
"Staying together has a lot to do with believing in staying together," said Joyce Kitay, a Honolulu psychologist and marriage and family therapist. "A lot of people don't. They say that when they get married, but when the going gets tough, they don't."
'Like an old shoe'
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| Charles and Ruby Yoshimura
Years married: 62 Advice: "The secret to our successful marriage is simple," Charles Yoshimura jokes. "I wear a set of earplugs all the time." |
"The secret to our successful marriage is simple," Charles joked. "I wear a set of earplugs all the time."
All kidding aside, he says it's important to be a good listener. "But I found that if I let things go in one ear and out the other, life is easier."
His advice? "Make the best of your marriage. Don't give up. In our times, we just made a go of it, through thick or thin, bad or good. And because we aren't perfect people, of course, we had disagreements, but learn to listen and communicate with each other. Today's generation, young people have so much romance and passion in their marriages — but our marriage wasn't based on that, but on consideration, nurturing and caring.
"I confess, I think that I was a good lover," Charles added, laughing. "Don't tell my wife I said that."
Charlie Yoshimura still says his wife is a wonderful woman, the strength behind the family and the best cook in the world.
"Our marriage is more of a companionship, and it's comfortable, like an old shoe that fits," he said. "I'll be 89 years old this year, and my wife will be 81, and I am thankful to God for our good health
so far and hope to make it to our 75th anniversary. That's in 13 years."
They have come a long way from what Ruby Yoshimura calls "somewhat of a matched marriage."
"You know how it was in those days for some of us," she said. "But, through time, you get used to each other and you learn to care for one another.
"We set our goals to buy a house and to raise our children. We sacrificed a lot of material things to provide for the family. But I think that it brought us closer together and made our marriage stronger."
She says their marriage wasn't always rosy, but they stuck it out for the sake of the children.
"One secret to a successful marriage is to learn to let the little things in life go." she said. "Don't make a mountain of a molehill. But if there's a 'big' issue, you must communicate and talk it over."
Ruby Yoshimura still says her husband is a good man, a great provider and a fun-loving grandfather and great-grandfather. His garden is filled with flowers, and he still plays his harmonica at weddings and family gatherings.
"He is such a ham on stage with a sense of humor," she said, "but I think that is one of the secrets of our long life together. Always keep a sense of humor and laugh at each other. I hope that my husband will live to be 100 years old."
'Iron things out'
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| Vasco and Adrienne Gregory
Years married: 52 Advice: "Have a little patience with each other," Adrienne Gregory says. "Communicate." |
Long before therapy was the accepted form of making it through some of life's difficulties, Adrienne Gregory tried something else: prayer.
She and Vasco Gregory married in 1951. She was 20, a neighbor who grew up almost as the girl next door. He was 24.
The Mililani couple raised five children on a tight budget and made it with "a lot of prayers and a lot of give and take," she said. "There was no secret. Just, I guess, cooperation."
They rarely argued, but they learned how to settle problems before they got too big. They're both easygoing, and they found common interests in sports and faith.
"I'm a very devout Catholic, so I never really thought of divorce," she said.
There was never any question about whether her marriage had to be saved. Her vows were for life.
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| Donald and Florence Izumi
Years married: 52 Advice: "The main thing is: Keep smiling," Don Izumi says. |
"Stick to your commitment," advises Don Izumi, who just turned 85. "You get married, you get married."
He met Florence through his sister and waited five years to get married. When they tied the knot, it was with an agreement that it would be a marriage of give and take. For better or for worse, they would make it work.
"You've got to learn to work out your differences," he said. "Iron things out."
He retired from the police department and from the real estate business, and she retired from an insurance agency. They still consider their time together to be somewhat romantic. They still hold hands and surprise each other with small gifts. When he's out with his golfing buddies, sometimes he asks the ones on the second marriages what makes them think this one will work. If they don't know the answer, he does. He believes "making it work" is a choice.
But he says it's not all serious. "The main thing is: Keep smiling."
Staying grounded
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| William and Nobuye Nakamura
Years married: 51 Advice: "Talk it out," Nobuye Nakamura says. "Be patient. Try to listen to each other." |
Some said they had to learn to agree on how to rear children or how to pay the bills.
William and Nobuye Nakamura, a Kahului, Maui, couple who married in 1951, say faith also played a role in their successful relationship.
That's not a stretch for a duo who met back in their church youth group.
"We've got our ups and downs," Nobuye said. "On the whole, I think we have been happy." She credits patience, respect and forgiveness for getting them through.
On Valentine's Day, it may be easy to get carried away with passion and romance.
But these couples say lasting marriages are more of an ebb and flow of emotions grounded by friendship. Clarence and Gertrude Ferdun have had a marriage that has outlasted some of their children's marriages.
In their first 12 years of marriage, they moved eight times on three islands and had three children. They moved away from Pearl City just before the bombing of Pearl Harbor.
He was principal at Laupahoehoe Elementary and High School when the 1946 tsunami claimed the lives of 16 students, four teachers and four others in the small town on the Big Island.
In their lifetimes, they've seen poverty, depression and war, and they helped each other grieve through the deaths of those close to them, including their oldest daughter, who died of intestinal cancer.
Through it all, they have been a team. And they lived by the philosophy that they should never go to bed mad.
Today, they plan to be celebrities their friends will read about at the Arcadia Retirement Residence in Makiki, where he lives on the sixth floor and she lives on the third because she now requires 24-hour nursing care.
They will hold hands and watch television before they say goodnight and wish each other yet another happy Valentine's Day.
Tanya Bricking writes about relationships for The Advertiser. Reach her at tbricking@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8026.
