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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, February 17, 2003

ABOUT MEN
Facial-fuzz-challenged reflections on the hip, hirsute look

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By Ken Rickard
Advertiser Staff Writer

My dad used to do it.

We'd go on vacation for a week or two in San Francisco or Oregon to visit relatives.

After a few days, his 5 o'clock shadow would become darker and thicker. By the time we came home, he would have the full-fledged mark of a man who has been on vacation: a beard.

When I take time off, I don't shave, either. After two weeks off, it's back to the office and people say, "I see you're trying to grow a mustache."

"Trying? It's been two weeks!"

I almost forgot that I pull Filipino.

As such, I have a dark complexion and a flat nose. And I am facial-hair challenged.

I blame it all on "Beverly Hills 90210." Luke Perry had to grow those darn sideburns ("sideburns," by the way, is an alteration of "burnsides," named after Civil War-era Gen. Ambrose Everett Burnside to whom the style is attributed.)

That was when I realized that I was destined to be baby smooth. The only sideburns I could have would be if I let the hair by my ears grow long and mat it down with Dep.

Like any other local Malay, I can grow the mustache. It starts off slowly, but after about 10 days, it appears to fill in because the hair is dark. But it's still a weak attempt, kind of like one a high school kid would have when he doesn't realize he should just shave it off. (Please don't dig up my old yearbooks.)

I can only imagine what it would be like to grow a beard.

Maybe I can try to have a goatee. Technically. It's the growth that's on the chin, but apparently I haven't eaten enough goat, because I think the Three Little Pigs can do better than I can.

Perhaps an imperial is just my style. An imperial, aka a soul patch, is that little triangular tuft of hair directly below the bottom lip. (It's named in homage to Napoleon III, the emperor who often sported the look.)

Unfortunately my imperial consists of about 20 hairs (I'm rounding upwards). That's not exactly force in numbers.

But the goal is that ever-elusive Vandyke, which is that stylish combination of mustache, imperial and goatee (often mistakenly referred to as a goatee in itself). Here's the kicker: All the hair should connect.

I remember my uncle Stanislao attempting the Vandyke. It was sparse, to say the least.

He had a decent growth between his nose and upper lip, but it just trailed off as it headed downward.

I told myself to never try that, but here I am with a face that just looks as if I don't know how to wash correctly.

Women don't think that facial hair is sexy, do they? Isn't it bad enough that I had to have that rice-bowl haircut as a kid? (Mine lasted all the way to the sixth grade, then made way to a mullet — but that's too embarrassing to discuss here.)

I can just hope that a natural, clean-shaven look resonates a certain rugged manliness.

Maybe I should just rename my quasi-goatee, Vandyke and imperial attempts.

How about calling them a goat-wee, a not-quite and an invisible?

Reach Ken Rickard at krickard@honoluluadvertiser.com.