By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

Oh, where to start on something like this?

Deep breath. Here it goes.

In the current issue of Smithsonian magazine, there's a piece by a writer named Mary Roach titled "Going Postal." Here's the first paragraph:

"Last week I asked my husband to pick up some stamps, and he returned with the Duke Kahanamoku commemorative, because they were out of American Bats. I'd never heard of Duke Kahanamoku, and now I am licking the man's back. Who is this man, and how did he get on my stamps? Can I be on a stamp, too?"

OK, there's about 50 things to say about all that business, but for starters, according to Lynne Moore, the U.S. Postal Service consumer affairs manager in Honolulu, all of the Duke Kahanamoku stamps issued nationwide were self-adhesive. Not sure why Mary was licking, but maybe that's her thing.

But wait. There's more.

Roach writes that she contacted a spokeswoman from the U.S. Stamp Program who told her that Duke Kahanamoku was a Hawaiian surfer and Olympic swimmer in the early 1900s known for his humility, grace and good sportsmanship. Roach writes:

" 'So he invented surfing?' I asked her. He did not. Surfing was invented sometime in Polynesian prehistory. 'He was considered the father of it," said Yarosky (the spokeswoman). "I wasn't buying it. Everyone knows you cannot give birth to a sport, particularly one that involves a finned, 12-foot board. Really, how did he get on a stamp?"

Did I mention this piece was in the Smithsonian magazine, a product of the Smithsonian Institution, an organization that prides itself on respectful understanding of diverse cultures? Here's the official what's-what overall statement from the big cheese of the organization, Lawrence M. Small: "The Smithsonian is committed to enlarging our shared understanding of the mosaic that is our national identity by providing authoritative experiences that connect us to our history and our heritage as Americans and to promoting innovation, research and discovery in science. These commitments have been central to the Smithsonian since its founding more than 155 years ago."

OK, so back to Ms. Roach and the Duke Kahanamoku stamps:

"I got on the Internet and looked up Duke Kahanamoku. I found a resolution adopted by the councilpeople of the city and county of Honolulu, 'urging the U.S. Postal Service to issue a Duke Kahanamoku commemorative postage stamp.' Resolution 99-163 had been introduced by councilman Duke Bainum. It began to appear that the stamp was the fruit of one man's obsession — a plot to put men with the first name Duke onto U.S. postage stamps. No doubt Bainum was behind the 1990 Stagecoach stamp that starred John Wayne. The surfing thing was a red herring."

"I figured she finally caught me red-handed. I got the Duke Ellington stamp and thought I was home free, but she tripped me up," Bainum joked.

The former Honolulu City Council member said he doesn't take it personally. "I guess what it points out to me is how tough it is to educate people about Hawai'i, its history and things."

The stamp, Bainum said, was meant not only as an honor to Kahanamoku but as a way to educate people about Hawai'i and about someone very special to us.

"In a weird sort of way, it worked," Bainum reflected. "She did sort of look it up, though I didn't necessarily appreciate her conclusions about Duke Kahanamoku."

Well, with all the things that could be said about the article, that's about as diplomatic as it gets.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com.