Cohabitation is a big step not to be taken lightly

• Before moving in, lay everything out

By Karen S. Peterson
USA Today

Gannett News Service

And then there are the little issues that can explode later, such as how to split the housecleaning and who walks the dog.

The list of considerations for newly non-married couples reads amazingly like one that couples might draw up before considering matrimony. And it should, says Stacy Whitman, co-author of one of two new books on the nuts and bolts of moving in together.

"This is a big step, not to be taken lightly," she says.

What happens to such couples is fodder for a growing national debate about changing lifestyles, about the effect living together has on statistics for both marriage and divorce. Some research shows that the divorce rate among couples who live together before marriage is higher than the rate for those who do not.

The need for how-to-do-it manuals, especially for those who want a relationship to last, increases as the numbers explode:

About 11 million Americans now live with an unmarried partner, according to the 2000 Census. That number has increased 72 percent in the past decade and includes both same- and opposite-sex partners. About 9.6 million adults live with partners of the opposite sex.

The majority of couples who marry today have lived together first. And by age 30, three-quarters of women in the United States have been married and about half have cohabited first, the National Center for Health Statistics says.

Still, many give more thought to buying a car than to choosing a mate. "A lot of people jump into living together without thinking about it very long or thinking about it at all," says Dorian Solot, co-founder of the Alternatives to Marriage Project and co-author with Marshall Miller of "Unmarried to Each Other" (Marlowe, $16.95).

"That can get you into trouble," Solot says. "It is important to have detailed information about what to talk about." Solot and Miller, who are in their late 20s, cohabit in a "committed, unmarried nine-year relationship."

Whitman says newly nonmarrieds should break their rose-colored glasses. "People tend to romanticize what it will be like. The fact is, there is a lot of work involved, the same need for communication, compromise, sharing and making sacrifices" faced by married couples.

Potential live-ins should "think it through carefully, know their reasons for wanting to live together, have known each other long enough to know if they want the same things," Whitman says.

Couples thinking about living together often don't bring up the most important question: Why are we doing this? One partner often assumes it is the next step before marriage, while the other might be shocked at the suggestion.

Now 35, Whitman married her live-in after 18 months of cohabiting in San Francisco. She wishes she had done things differently. "I brought up marriage in a kind of backhanded, general way. I didn't want him to feel pressured. I wanted some kind of verbal confirmation, and I got it. But in retrospect, I wish that I had had a little more clarity that we were on the same page." The lack of a total commitment to marriage "made me feel insecure," especially when the couple argued.

Her book, "Shacking up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned," published by Broadway Books, will be in stores in early March. It is written with her sister, Wynne Whitman, 38, an attorney specializing in tax and estate law in Morristown, N.J. She is single and has never had a live-in. The sisters don't disguise their point of view. "For the majority of us twenty- and thirty-somethings, the ultimate goal is a walk down the aisle," they write.

Solot and Miller support both gay and heterosexual couples who may want to stay in anything from very temporary to long-term live-in relationships. More information is available at www.unmarried.org.

The experts all suggest a written "cohabitation agreement" that covers money and property issues, especially if there is a mutual car or house in the future. "Unmarried couples do not have the same legal protections that married couples get," Solot says. Also necessary, she says: a healthcare proxy that lets one partner make medical decisions for the other, a durable power of attorney to allow one partner to manage property if the other can't, and two wills.

"If you die without a will, your partner will inherit none of your belongings or assets," Solot says. Everything from a savings account to the cat will go to the legal next of kin.

Unmarrieds also don't have the same "social support systems that married couples do," Stacy Whitman says. Parents of unmarrieds tend not to provide the same guidance and the same level of emotional and financial support that they do for their married children.

Talk the decision through and then go for it if you are sure the time is right, the authors say. "The future is full of unknowns, and every relationship — whether you're dating, cohabiting or married — involves some degree of faith," Solot says. "But the more clear and realistic your expectations are, the better it's likely to turn out."

Before moving in, lay everything out

Potential live-ins don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything. But they should at least come to terms with differing opinions on the stickier issues before moving in together, Stacy and Wynne Whitman say in "Shacking Up: The Smart Girl's Guide to Living in Sin Without Getting Burned," due out in March. They suggest discussing:

• Moving in. Do we see this as temporary or long term? Have we known each other long enough and is the timing right?
• Lifestyle. Where do we want to live? Would we spend every night together? How would we deal with household chores? Pets?
• Marriage. Do we believe marriage can last forever? Do we think we are headed that way?
• Children. Do we see ourselves as parents? If we were to have children, would both of us continue working? (If one partner already has a child, that brings up a lengthy list of concerns for both the child and the couple.)
• Religion. How important is religion? Do we have the same faith, and how would we handle differences?
• Career. Is there a chance our career goals could conflict? Should a career dictate one's life or the other way around?
• Money. What are our basic financial values and priorities? Do we have similar money management styles? Will we keep our money separate?
• Family and friends. How often do we want to see family members? Will we spend as much time with my friends as with yours?
• Geography. Do we want to take root or be free to pick up and move? Do we prefer a house, condo, apartment?
• Personal history. Is there anything important we have left out: former live-ins; sexually transmitted diseases; financial, alcohol, gambling problems?