Intimacy gets workout at resort's sex retreat

By Gene Sloan
USA Today

The lastest trend in extravagant spa offerings: sex ed. Gannett News Service

"Close your eyes," says Taylor, speaking soothingly to the 13 couples sitting barefoot in a circle. "Feel the energy, the prana, move down through your body."

Taylor pauses. The room grows quiet. "Now feel the energy move down into your chest." Pause. "And now into the belly." Pause. "And now farther." Pause.

"Into the groin."

A few eyes open. Eyebrows raise.

The WHAT?

This is definitely not your mother's spa. Dubbed "Sex: Body & Soul," the four-day retreat at this famous health resort on the edge of the Sonoran desert is one where "breathing through the groin" is just a warm-up. By week's end, the couples will have soaked up lessons ranging from the "IV kiss" (it's like infusing your partner with intravenous medicine) to the best ways to slather each other with massage oil (wear nothing but towels for this group activity, please). Not to mention the daily "homework" assignments (hint: Taylor will hand out Viagra).

"This is a pretty intensive program," Taylor warns, adding that at times it can be quite embarrassing. "But the more you put into the circle, the more you'll take away."

Spas have rolled out an ever-expanding array of over-the-top offerings in the past decade, from underwater massage to chocolate wraps. But the latest trend is surely the hottest: sex education courses.

With competition growing ever fiercer (the number of spas in the United States has nearly doubled since 1999), some of the most mainstream health resorts are dipping a pedicured toe into the once-taboo waters of sexuality, adding everything from weekly lectures to multinight packages on the subject.

Don't snicker. The programs, popping up from California's Oaks at Ojai to the Caribbean's Caneel Bay, range from the tastefully mild to the downright explicit. But they all grapple with serious issues that are increasingly important to that core group of spa customers, baby boomers. Issues such as waning desire, boredom, menopausal changes, dysfunction and the realities of life with and after kids.

Not to mention, ahem, the basics. "I'm always amazed at how little people know about sex," says Holstein, a physician-turned-sex expert who runs Canyon Ranch's women's health department. "It's everywhere in our culture. You can't watch an evening of television without seeing lots of sexual innuendo. But when it comes down to knowing what to do, there are a lot of misconceptions out there."

Holstein's program, and others like it, promise to clear up those misconceptions and then some. We checked in to find out how.

Day 1

Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

The quiet of the morning is broken by a slobbering sound: the sound of 13 couples kissing.

"We hold tension in ourselves that we're completely unaware of," Taylor explains to his students, who again sit in a circle, this time (per his orders) smooching as hard and passionately as they can. "The tensions interfere with our experience."

Tensions, indeed. The participants, who range from their 30s to 50s, are fumbling badly. Despite signing up for a program with "sex" in the title, it seems many didn't realize they'd be playing out their passions in public.

"If I had known we were going to do some of the things we're doing, I don't think I would have come," confides Julie Wylie , a golf course owner from Albuquerque, N.M.

Wylie, 41, and husband/golf course co-owner, Patrick, 43, are typical of the couples here. They've been married for years and they say they're happy together. But they have busy lives that sometimes don't allow them to spend enough time together — let alone get hot and steamy. Like nearly all the couples in the program, they have kids at home that seem to consume every waking hour. And though they say there isn't anything particularly wrong with their sex life, they thought the program would help bring them closer.

At the least, they would pick up some new tricks. "Our kids are growing up, and we have to look ahead to when the kids are gone," Patrick says. "We want to have the highest-quality marriage we can."

When it comes to tricks, he's in for quite a treat. Today's main topic is the woman in all her splendor, and Holstein leaves no appendage unturned. She begins by whipping out "Mona," a large yellow and purple puppet of the female genitalia — or yoni, as we learn to call it — and launches into an exhaustive anatomy lesson. She also talks about everything from estrogen and testosterone, both crucial to a healthy female sex life, to the difference between a lubricant and a "personal lubricant" (the latter, code for a product the FDA tested you-know-where).

It's the first of many franker-than-frank talks. Much to the relief of Wylie and others, this isn't a program where couples get naked together on the floor for hands-on learning. A big part of it is discussing the issues. And, if anything, it's more about what goes on in the couple's heads than their bed.

"We're asking people to ask themselves what it means to make love," says Holstein, who is married to Taylor.

Which brings us to the day's "homework": bringing out the woman's radiance. This isn't a tantric workshop, but like many new spa programs, there is much borrowed from Eastern religion. Taylor briefs the men on such things as shakti, a woman's "goddess energy." Then they're sent to their rooms for a tantra-inspired, female-focused escapade that starts with a warm bath. One rule: no male-pleasing hanky-panky. Today, it's all about the woman.

"I get it," says one of the men. "She starts with a warm bath; I end with a cold shower."

Day 2

Clearly, the first homework assignment went swimmingly. The women beam. The men swagger. The group is much more open.

Which is good, because today's topic is one that most men rarely discuss in mixed company: their own sexuality. This time, it's Taylor's turn for an anatomy lesson.

"Male anatomy perhaps is not such a mystery," he deadpans at the start.

Yet it turns out there is quite a bit to learn. Pointing to a larger-than-life male organ projected on the wall, Taylor discusses everything from the stages of sexual arousal (there are four, he says) to physiological and psychological reasons behind male sexual problems.

The talk draws plenty of inquisitive questions from the women — and the men.

"I'm amazed that we can share like this in the group," says one of the women, a trader from New York. "It's wonderful."

One of the points of such workshops is to get people talking about their problems and to hear about other people's problems.

"It's one of the last taboos in polite conversation," Holstein says. "Certainly our culture is not very open about sexuality, in contrast to the Europeans."

The workshop and others like it are designed as a risk-free forum where they can finally bring it up. Participants go by first names and agree to confidentiality. "There's a certain amount of anonymity," she says.

Holstein, a noted sex expert and author of "How to Have Magnificent Sex: 7 Dimensions of a Vital Sexual Connection" (Harmony Books, $21), spends lots of time with the group discussing the different aspects of a loving relationship.

All seven of Holstein's "dimensions of sexuality" are drawn into the daily homework. Today, the assignment focuses on the men. After some group pelvic exercises ("to train the PC muscle"), Holstein and Taylor send the couples back to their rooms for another tantra-inspired interlude.

Day 3

Taking it Home: Creating Exceptional Sex in Ordinary Life.

That's the lofty title of today's lesson, and it starts with Holstein asking each couple to draw up a "contract" in which they promise to initiate sex a specific number of times a week. Speaking in business terms is a key part of Holstein's approach because many of her clients hail from the business world.

"You need a vision statement," she says.

Some of the couples in the group acknowledge they've drifted apart emotionally, and thus sexually, as their kids, work and home duties left them less time for each other. The contract is a way to force a reconnection.

Holstein advises the couples to transform their bedrooms into a sacred space. "A lot of our bedrooms look like the family room," she says. "There are clothes all over the floor, and it's really not a place to make love." She doles out more advice: Cultivate an attitude of curiosity about your partner; let go of the need to always win the argument; practice building a sexual charge; see their radiance.

"They've given us a lot of tools to take home," Julie Wylie says.

By the end of the program, many of the participants say they are surprised by how much closer they have grown to their partners — and how much beyond just sex the course offered.

"The big surprise for me was that I thought I was coming to a sex course, and it turned out to be more about my heart and my relationship," says Lucy Atkins, a writer living in Seattle.

Atkins, who left two young kids behind to join her Microsoft-employed husband at the program, says it should be mandatory for all couples. "It was brilliant."

Take a look behind the scenes at Canyon Ranch at travel.usatoday.com.