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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Monday, January 13, 2003

ABOUT MEN
Win or lose, football's drama keeps us coming back for more

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By Mike Leidemann
Advertiser Staff Writer

I don't like football. Really.

"So why do you get up early every Sunday and watch it for six hours?" my wife wants to know.

I can't explain it.

Maybe I've been hypnotized — or brainwashed. Maybe it's genetic — or something in my upbringing. Maybe it's a man thing — or a boy thing.

All I know is that for more than 40 years I've been watching football every Sunday (and most Mondays) and it hardly ever gives me any pleasure.

Except when the Chicago Bears win. Which is hardly ever.

"I thought the Bears were really bad this year," my wife says on waking up last Sunday to find me and the cat on the couch watching the pregame show.

"This is the playoffs," I explain. "It's like a whole new season, only the Bears don't get to play this time around."

Which, given the way the Bears played this season, is a good thing.

Another good thing: The yard looks great. I always prune something after the Bears lose. Right now each plant looks like it was just shipped in from a Kyoto garden.

"It's a beautiful day. Maybe we could go to the beach on our day off for a change," my wife says.

"Shhh! It's the fourth quarter," I say.

At least that's what I want to say, only everybody knows you don't say "Shhh!" to your wife on Sunday morning without regretting it by the end of the day.

Instead I tried to explain the appeal of an NFL game, even when the Bears aren't playing.

Football is drama. It's history. It's good versus evil. No, wait! That's pro wrestling.

It's the heroism. It's the war in the trenches. It's the economy, stupid! No wait! That's George W. Bush.

It's my childhood. It's the way a sadistic high school football coach in New Jersey instilled basic values in me by withholding water during three-hour practices in August. To this day, I still think water is a good thing.

It's the story line, the way the forces realign each week, so that one Sunday (after the Bears are eliminated) you're rooting for Atlanta because the Dallas Cowboys made you cry when you were 12 years old by beating the New York Giants. And the next week you're rooting for San Francisco because Atlanta plays its football games inside a dome, which is for wimps.

It's the way grown men will take their shirts off in a snowstorm in Green Bay to reveal sagging bellies painted green and gold. It's the way all those guys in Raider Nation get dressed up in gorilla suits to watch a game.

Yeah, that's the ticket. That's why I watch football.

I don't like football. Really, I don't.

But I can't stop watching it.

Reach Mike Leidemann at 525-5460 or mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com.