By Ken Rickard
Advertiser Staff Writer

I have approximately $30 worth of Starbucks gift certificates stashed in my apartment. But I don't go to Starbucks.

I do drink coffee though, in my Oregon State football mug when I'm at work. I drink it black. (That should be the standard male coffee order of choice. Excuse me if I don't buy a drink that ends with a "cino.")

My Starbucks boycott stems not from a $3 low-end price tag, but because I, like most guys, am simply too inept to learn the way drink sizes work at different restaurants. I thought that ordering a cup of java was an elementary procedure.

Here is a sample exchange between me and a coffee commando:

"May I please have a large coffee?"

"Excuse me?"

"A large black coffee please."

"You mean a venti Americano?"

"Is that a large black coffee?"

"Yeah."

"Then, yes, that's what I want."

Like most guys would be, I became a bit defensive. It was obvious that the employee knew what I wanted but still felt it necessary to correct my non-Starbuckian vocabulary.

Coffee houses aren't the only ones clinging to inappropriate beverage-naming devices. Here's a common exchange happening at a fast-food joint near you:

"Can I have a small Coke please?"

"We don't have a small. We have a medium. Is that OK?"

"I'd like the smallest size, please."

"A medium Coke, then?"

"Whatevahs."

When did we lose the small-sized pop? Everywhere you look there are extreme this and ultimate that — designed to boost the male ego, but along the way, the convenient smalls have gone the way of the Member's Only jacket.

Has anyone else noticed the subtle changes that have occurred at your local arch-themed burger place?

The former large is now medium. The former extra-large is now large. And at the top of the heap is ever-menacing Super-size.

What used to be the small is now the kid-size to further alienate a guy from ordering it by implying that a small lends itself to unmanliness (and no man wants to be connected to a small cup).

Which brings me to the epidemic misuse of the word "medium."

In order to have a medium, shouldn't there be a small and a large as points of reference? It isn't uncommon to see four sizes of soft-drinks available at any generic food joint: medium, large, extra large and magnum (no, wait, that's something else).

Is it even possible to start with medium? According the dictionary at my desk, "medium" is "something in a middle position" or "an intermediate amount."

That plus a "person thought to have powers to speak to the dead," but Miss Cleo is another column.

Maybe the only place to find solace amid the masses is at a place with self-serve fountain drinks. There, at least, a guy can grab a cup to satisfy his thirst accordingly, without a run-in with a kid who will give a "cup-size 101" dissertation.

If I ever have a restaurant of my own, I'll be sure to make things easy on you guys. Just three sizes of drinks — small, medium and extra-medium.

Reach Ken Rickard at krickard@honoluluadvertiser.com.