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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Sunday, January 26, 2003

Raiders will win, XXIV-XXI

By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Columnist

Exactly XXXVII reasons why the Oakland Raiders will win today's Super Bowl:

I. Reports by Enron and Arthur Andersen project the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as can't-miss champs.

II. How can you go wrong with Rich Gannon, the NFL MVP?

III. Who knows the "tuck rule" now better than the Raiders?

IV. Martha Stewart told her broker to dump Tampa Bay stock.

V. Keyshawn Johnson is bound to get frustrated, demanding that somebody, "throw me the damn ball!"

VI. The Bucs only have one of the Barber brothers, Ronde, and Tiki is the one they need most.

VII. Imagine how a couple of nights in Tijuana might energize Sebastian Janikowski.

VIII. Brian Kelly draws duty on Jerry Rice.

IX. Cloning cult pledges to aid Raiders in the event of injuries to starters.

X. The Raider Nation is converging on San Diego — and Mexico is nervous.

XI. Safety Rod Woodson led the NFL with 11 take-aways.

XII. Bill Callahan is the anti-"Chuckie."

XIII. Brad Johnson.

XIV. John Ritchie, the Renaissance Man, plays for Oakland.

XV. Veteran leadership: Rod Woodson, Jerry Rice and Bill Romanowski all have Super Bowl rings.

XVI. Al Davis has successfully sued the NFL in the administrations of both the late Pete Rozelle and Paul Tagliabue, and the Raiders would like nothing better than seeing Tags present the Vince Lombardi Trophy to their boss.

XVII. Tampa Bay won't be able to run inside on bomboocha defensive tackles Sam Adams and John Parrella.

XVIII. With 10 players having at least 10 seasons in the NFL, the Raiders have the edge in experience.

XIX. Dionne Warwick's Psychic Hotline says take the Bucs.

XX. Jerry Porter wants to show Jon Gruden what he missed.

XXI. This is how many points the Bucs will score.

XXII. Charlie Garner is an overlooked weapon.

XXIII. French figure skating judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne doesn't work this event.

XXIV. This is how many points the Raiders will score.

XXV. Never underestimate a man (Bill Romanowski) with his own hyperbaric chamber.

XXVI. Tory James and Charles Woodson have the "metal" for this one.

XXVII. Raider attorneys will sue if they don't win.

XXVIII. Oliver Stone plans another conspiracy movie if Raiders don't prevail.

XXIX. Raiders planning to have Chunky Soup for their pre-game meal.

XXX. Teams that have to talk about getting respect rarely do.

XXXI. Tampa Bay couldn't beat Oakland in baseball, either.

XXXII. Raiders' power will prevail over Bucs' speed.

XXXIII. Fred Edelstein picks the Bucs.

XXXIV. San Diego is an AFL city.

XXXV. Homeland Defense chief Tom Ridge joins Oakland staff.

XXXVI. Tim Brown's age.

XXXVII. The Rally Monkey is secretly working for Oakland.