Posted on: Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Bob's jokes

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 • Hope's USO shows took troops back home for a day
 • Hawai'i was a favorite setting for Hope's shows

A sample of the entertainer's classic yuks:

• On Golf:

"I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead!"

"Incidentally, the toughest part of the course for me nowadays are the sand traps. It's not hard to get the ball out ... the problem is to get me out, at my age!"

"I asked my good friend Arnold Palmer how I could improve my game. He advised me to cheat!"

• On U.S. Presidents:

Harry Truman: "He rules the country with an iron fist — the same way he plays the piano."

Dwight D. Eisenhower: "I happen to know why he's running for president. It's the only way he can get out of the Army. ... If he slices the budget like he slices a (golf) ball, the nation has nothing to worry about."

John F. Kennedy: "Eisenhower said, 'Congratulations on your victory.' And Kennedy replied, 'I had to win. It's so tough these days to find a place that'll take children.' "

Lyndon Johnson: "You can tell he used to be a rancher. He squeezes Republicans like he's milking a cow."

Richard Nixon: "I told Nixon to burn the (Watergate) tapes. He told me to burn my golf clubs."

Gerald Ford: "It's not hard to find Gerry Ford on a golf course — you just follow the wounded. ... I love playing golf with Gerald Ford. He makes me feel like I'm back performing in a war zone."

Jimmy Carter: "Carter wants to go to Washington. He'll feel right at home there — he was raised on a nut farm."

Ronald Reagan: "Some people are claiming that Ronald Reagan is too old to be president. But I like Ronnie. He's smart, he's honest, and he's the only candidate who calls me 'Sonny.' "

George H.W. Bush: "The L.A. Times gave George Bush a 'C' on his first 100 days in office. No one knows what Dan Quayle got. He claims he lost his report card on his way home from the White House."

Bill Clinton: "Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, his will be the first inaugural address with an intermission."

• On Life:

"I was able to find my original birth certificate, but it took three guys to help me get it. Stone tablets are heavy."

"I came from a very big family. Four of us slept in the same bed. When we got cold, Mother threw on another brother."

"In all there were seven brothers. That's how I learned to dance waiting for my turn in the bathroom."

"I left England at an early age, as soon as I was old enough to realize they already had a king."

• Hope's cracks in movies:

"Failure is the only thing I've ever been a success at." — from "Here Come the Girls" (1957)

"I wanted to be a detective. It only took brains, courage and a gun — and I had the gun." — from "My Favorite Brunette" (1947)

— Advertiser news service