FAMILY MATTERS
Family car pool makes Dad 'trans-parent'

By Michael C. DeMattos

I heard a knock at the door and without looking, motioned for the inquisitor to enter.

A few moments later came another knock. I turned and noticed that no one was there. I stole a glance at the desk clock; it read 5:03 p.m. Within a split second, I hit the ground and ducked behind the bookcase.

Looking up, I saw my daughter peering in through the glass window. She smiled broadly, knowing the game was on.

Our family car-pools at least three times a week. My wife works about five minutes from me, and my daughter's school is no more than 10 minutes away.

I must say that car-pooling is very good for the pocketbook, but it is even better for the family relationship. Yeah, yeah, we spend time talking about our day and sharing our "feelings." That's all fine and dandy, but the best part about car-pooling is being picked up by the family.

My daughter knows where I work, what my job title is, and exactly what I am doing when I am doing work.

You would be surprised how many children these days have no clue about what their parents do for a living. This is real loss.

I know that when I was growing up I knew exactly what my father did. He was "the deputy public affairs officer for sub base." I was a Wai'anae kid whose father worked at Pearl Harbor and who went to school in town. We car-pooled nearly every day and because of that, I got a glimpse into my father's world.

The same is now true for my daughter.

I suppose I am "trans-parent."

The advantages to being trans-parent are many. First and foremost is that my daughter gets a more complete picture of who "Daddy" is. She sees me in all of my glory, but she also sees me when I am "under the gun."

I am far from perfect and I think it is important that my daughter witness my faults and foibles as well as my little victories.

Another benefit of being trans-parent is that my daughter realizes that the world does not revolve around her. Instead, she knows that I work and have relationships with people outside of the family. She of course, has formed relationships of her own at my workplace. My peers have become her uncles and aunties.

My daughter slowly cracked opened the door. In a sudden burst, she darted to the bookcase standing tall with her back against the side; commando-style. Slowly she turned her head to peer around the corner. "BOO!" I shouted. She jumped and began to laugh uncontrollably.

We hugged, packed-up and headed out the door.

We live in a complex world where time is becoming more precious with each passing day. As parents, much of that time is spent watching over our children. We forget that they are also watching us.

I suppose the best part about sharing my world with my daughter is that she keeps me honest. Each day that she and Mom pick me up, I get the opportunity to be the person that she believes I am and that I am hoping to become.

Family therapist Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. Reach him at Family Matters, 'Ohana section, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; or at ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.