'Baywatch' taught us, didn't it?

By Lee Cataluna
Advertiser Columnist

Like a vindictive ex coming back for more cash after a messy divorce, the producers of "Baywatch Hawaii" managed to squeeze a bit more out of the Hawai'i Visitors and Convention Bureau last week.

Bad enough that Hawai'i put out cash to pay for that piece of televised Cheez-Whiz. Bad enough that Hawai'i businesses got shaken down to provide millions of dollars worth of comps. Bad enough that they treated us like lonely losers so desperate for a date that we'd fall head over heels for a failing franchise. Now, after taking the money, using our image, playing off our insecurities by saying, "You know, Australia's looking pretty hot" and then breaking it off after two seasons, they come back for the final dig.

Federal judge Susan Mollway last week released her decision siding with the Baywatch Production Company, also known as Pearson Television, granting the company's request for a summary judgment. HVCB, Mollway found, owes the company $357,000. HVCB claimed the production company gave the false impression that "Baywatch Hawaii" would have the same international viewership as "Baywatch."

OK. Fine. Judge ruled. Case over. But did they really have to come back for that last drop of blood? The show got canceled. They not shame?

Reading through Mollway's order is so telling about the relationship between HVCB and "Baywatch Hawaii." HVCB had high hopes, stars in their eyes; hearing what they wanted to hear and wanting so much to please and to believe.

"At one point," the order reads, "HVCB suggested a contract provision in which BPC (Baywatch Production Company) would represent and warrant that 'Baywatch Hawaii' would have 'comparable coverage' to that of the original series. Ultimately, that provision was not included in the Agreement."

Turns out that "Baywatch Hawaii" wasn't even "Baywatch." Turns out it was a spin off, and very quickly, a spin-out.

When all was said and done, "Baywatch Hawaii" done us wrong. They quoted numbers from the best years of "Baywatch" and we fell hard for the hype.

Have we had enough now? Have we learned our lesson? Can we work on our self-esteem so we don't fall for the same sweet talk next time?

"Ooh, baby, I can give you all the German tourists you ever dreamed of."

We won't make that mistake again. No more handing out huge sums of money to any fast-talking alleged star maker who comes along with a great idea for a film/TV series/direct-to-video project that's allegedly going to kick Hawai'i's economy into high gear. No, now we have Act 221. We don't give them money. We just give them huge tax breaks. Yeah, that's a lot better.

Lee Cataluna's column runs Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays. Reach her at 535-8172 or lcataluna@honoluluadvertiser.com