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The Honolulu Advertiser
Posted on: Saturday, June 28, 2003

EXPRESSIONS OF FAITH
Learning roles in marriage

By H. Murray Hohns

June is the month to get married. I don't know why, but it's true. I will reach 50 years of marriage in seven months; unfortunately it took me three wives to achieve this accomplishment. My current marriage has lasted more than 20 years.

As a pastor I also get to perform marriages from time to time, and in that role, I share the things I learned about this institution both from Scripture and from experience. In this, our favorite month to become bride and groom, I'll write what I have learned.

It all centers on Scripture, in Genesis 3:16, where God tells the serpent, the woman and the man the consequences they each will face for their participation in eating the forbidden fruit.

One translation of this Scripture renders this portion of this verse directed to the woman as "Your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you." Later verses in the books of Ephesians and Colossians also give the husband a similar role. Though these are not popular words in today's thinking, they are part of Scripture and deserve consideration along with other passages that tell us that the man and woman who marry are to cleave together and become one flesh, and that this wonderful complete couple is the desire of God.

Now "rule" is a regal term. It has to do with monarchy, kingdoms and dominion. The husband is to be the family king, but he is to be a godly king of his domain. Letty Russell, a respected proponent of feminist theology at Harvard University Divinity School, said: "Too often dominion becomes domination," and in those five words lie the secret to being wonderfully or tragically married.

God's desire is that the husband rule over his wife by overwhelming her with concern, approval and gratitude for all the things that she adds to his life, by being willing to die for her and to constantly show her that she is the most important person on this earth. Wise husbands realize that they are to put wife first and husband last. A good king serves his subjects and cares for them, not himself. He does not rule over them with a firm hand expecting respect. No! He looks out for them, he rules with an outstretched hand that signals warmth and welcome. Then real respect follows and endures.

I learned that my wife loves my rulership since she knows after 20 years that she can trust me to do what is best for her because I finally learned that this was the way God made us to function best.

June is the month we celebrate marriage. If you understand God's urgings how you are to cleave together and become one flesh, every day will be delightful and your delight will be in the mate God chose for you. Even more wonderful, it's never too late to try it God's way.

H. Murray Hohns of Makiki is a retired engineer and an associate pastor at New Hope Christian Fellowship. The Expressions of Faith column welcomes works from leaders in faith and spirituality. E-mail faith@honoluluadvertiser.com or call 525-8035. Articles submitted may be used by The Advertiser in print, electronic or other forms.