Neutralize grumpy folks with preparation

By Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson and Ted Hagen
Knight Ridder News Service

Do you deal with a boss or spouse who is grumpy and hateful?

Do you have to brace yourself for a jab every time that person enters the room?

This, of course, puts you under intense strain. But how do you cope?

Try looking at the big picture of this person and staying way ahead of him or her.

If you're wise, you will learn to manipulate matters to save your sanity.

For example, offer this person emotional support before the complaining gets started. Act as if you're noticing all the problems that might crop up.

To stay in control, give out some orders or suggestions yourself.

You might, for example, tell your husband, "Why don't you order your mother's birthday gift two weeks early? You know how shopping at the last minute stresses you out. Go online, and take care of this quickly."

Otherwise, Grumpy Husband may try to send you out during a rainstorm to buy his mom a gift at the last minute. Sound familiar?

Deal with a grumpy person by showing that you really do "get" his or her internal picture.

To grasp this picture, study the person. Learn to recognize personal needs, methods and patterns of activity.

Hateful people are fairly easy to predict, unless you aren't paying attention at all.

These tips can help:

• Offer assistance ahead of time. For example, ask your boss, "Is there any way I can help you make your project go more smoothly?"

When you state your willingness to cooperate, this helps you to ward off the hateful person's launching of darts and arrows that might come your way.

• Help grumpy people balance their emotions. Keep saying, "I understand your feelings here." Or say, "I'm sure we can work these problems out."

Realize that hateful people feel misunderstood. They are irked because they feel that others don't understand their deeper frustrations and feelings.

• Honor their basic needs, if possible. For instance, a man we'll call Jim says his boss likes to work like a maniac from 8 a.m. until noon.

"I discuss important issues with him only in the afternoon," Jim says. "I'd be a fool to open a big conversation at 10 a.m. He would just cut me off."

• Realize that these types don't cherish flexibility. Most grumpy people need things to unfold in a certain way.

But make sure that you steer their obsessive actions away from you — keeping their problems from falling into your lap.

"I stay three steps ahead of my grumpy husband," says a social worker we'll call Sharon.

Sharon knows, for instance, that her husband acts hatefully if he doesn't eat breakfast. He's a diabetic, so he gets out of sorts if he skips meals.

"I remind him each night to figure out what he'll fix for breakfast," Sharon says. "I tell him to take control, because his roller-coaster blood sugar will end up affecting me, too.

"When he starts to whine about how he'll 'figure it out in the morning,' I tell him to take control and make sure there are eggs and low-carb bread in the fridge. If we're out of eggs, I'll send him out to the convenience store at 9 p.m."

Sharon says she makes sure her husband stays on top of his problems.

"Otherwise," Sharon says, "he'll do things like wail: 'Why are there no eggs in the fridge? Didn't you get 30 minutes to shop this week?!"

Sharon summarizes: "A grumpy person will turn blame on you big time — if you allow them to reverse that responsibility."

An attorney we'll call Tyler agrees with Sharon. He believes that responsibility must be pushed back on the hateful person long before a problem arises.

"I get chewed out daily by some of my clients and some of my associates," Tyler says. "Sometimes, I hold the phone a foot from my ear until they calm down.

"Whenever I begin a case, I quickly ascertain who is responsible for what, and I keep reminding others that we have to build teamwork.

"For instance, many of my clients go on vacation and don't tell me. I can't reach them for two weeks or more."

Tyler says he deals with hateful people by stating his list of expectations early in the game.

He tells his clients, for example, to give him three phone numbers where they can be reached at all times.

"When communication breaks down, and problems don't get solved, hateful people turn blame on you like a fire hydrant gone crazy," Tyler says. "By stating what you expect from grumpy people, they see they must pay attention to where you're coming from."