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The Honolulu Advertiser

Posted on: Tuesday, March 4, 2003

ABOUT WOMEN
Lack of labels in relationship creates need-to-know basis

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By Catherine E. Toth
Advertiser Staff Writer

It was the simplest solution to my most troubling problem:

"Just introduce him as your boyfriend and that's it."

My no-nonsense girlfriend had no patience for this.

"Either he's your boyfriend or he's not," she said matter-of-factly, in between updating her Palm Pilot and highlighting key points in her accounting textbook. "It's really up to you."

She was sure that all I had to do was take control of the situation. He really wants to be your boyfriend, she said. He just doesn't know it yet.

But it's never that easy.

You don't just walk into a karaoke bar, grab the mike and dedicate REO Speedwagon's "I Just Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore" to the guy you're only dating. Then refer to him as your boyfriend. That's committing relationship suicide. May as well take out a full-page ad announcing your sudden single status, as he bolts for the nearest exit.

Humiliating your mate — a guy, no less — in front of strangers — worse yet, people you know — in an attempt to manipulate the situation. Good luck.

But women have this thing about needing to know.

Does he like me? Are we exclusive? Is he checking out that waitress? What does that mean?

It's a natural progression of thought, a pattern mapped out in our genetic composition. It explains why she could beg you to watch "Shanghai Knights" with her — to satisfy her Owen Wilson obsession — only to blow up at you for mentioning the moves of the kung-fu hottie. It's not fair — and we know it.

All this needing to know comes down to that one looming question: What are we?

Seeing each other? Dating? Serious?

Romantically involved? Mutually exclusive? Hanging out?

The questions dominate lunch breaks, bar conversations and commercials during "Sex and the City." The less we know, the more we talk about it. And the greater our need to know.

My guyfriend once asked why I needed to label the relationship. Isn't it enough that we see each other, hang out, have fun?

But we like labels. It fulfills a need to organize. We color-coordinate our closets, alphabetize our CD collection, lug around 10-pound planners.

Even the messiest desks, the most cluttered bedroom, the obscenely chaotic handbag are somehow strategically organized. Ask us where the phone bill is and we'll find it. But clean our space and we lose everything.

Knowing what he is and where the relationship is heading are all part of the planning. It fits in the schedule. It gets checked off life's to-do list.

Schoolhouse Rock was right: Knowledge is power. Knowing your role in the relationship, knowing your limits and your responsibilities, it's all about remaining in control. It answers the pressing questions: Should I invite him to Sunday dinner? Should I spend my paycheck on his birthday gift? Should I tell him those shoes don't match?

I won't scare him into boyfriend-hood.

But his birthday gift will be hint enough.

Reach Catherine E. Toth at 535-8103 or ctoth@honoluluadvertiser.com