Basketball world has gone mad
By Ferd Lewis
Advertiser Staff Columnist
If you knew Steve Lavin was out at UCLA but heard nothing of the attempt to oust Saddam Hussein from Iraq, chances are you have succumbed to a particularly virulent case of that annual affliction known as March Madness.
You should be concerned if you have experienced any of the following symptoms and seek professional help immediate if you:
- Tell your boss that, like Bob Knight, you are thinking about giving back this year's salary.
- When buying a television set, find yourself telling the salesman to charge it to Jim Harrick's account.
- Can't wait for Jason Carter's X-ray to go on eBay.
- Make the referee's signal for "offensive foul" when somebody's shopping cart bumps into you at the supermarket.
- Believe Jacques Chirac was the St. Bonaventure president.
- Know what IUPUI stands for and have never been to Indiana.
- Called Kaiser Permanente to schedule an appointment with a bracketologist.
- Can name both Fresno State players who wrote their own term papers during the term the NCAA is investigating.
- Aren't sure but believe Tariq Aziz might be a point guard somewhere in the Big East.
- Call around to find out where you can get the Nkeruwem "Tony" Akpan tattoo.
- Signal for a 30-second timeout before taking a coffee break.
- Get the Carl English-Mark Campbell haircuts for your entire family.
- Shop for Villanova phone cards.
- Describe your spouse as a "mid-major."
- Actually look through the atlas for "Bracketville."
- Can't wait until the Golden Corral opens up a restaurant here.
- Can recite all the seeds in the West but didn't know your driver's license had expired.
- Threaten to send your kids to live with Bob Huggins if they misbehave.
- Go behind the back then step behind an imaginary 3-point arc before tossing something in the trash can.
- Believe Jerry Tarkanian is simply misunderstood.
- Wrote letters to Pat Summitt and Geno Auriemma soliciting scholarships bids the day after your daughter was born.
- Not only have heard of the Atlantic Sun Conference but can name most of the teams in it.
- Don't know who Kofi Annan is or why he keeps talking about this "UN," which isn't even in the tournament.
- Knew what a Catamount was before the NCAA Tournament started.
