By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

Never write anything down when you're drinking beer. At least not for publication.

Too late for that now.

So there I was, one quiet evening, having a cold, refreshing drink. It wasn't my first. It wasn't the last, either.

The kids were asleep and Mrs. G. was out working. I'm sitting in my King of the Castle chair — it's one of those large, comfy, leather ones with big armrests.

This was how guys welcome their muse, I thought, how they come up with those profound and witty observations about life.

The problem with this, I later decided, was that my muse is sort of a Bob Barker wanna-be. OK big thoughts, come ... on ... down! I've got pen and paper in hand!

That was when the random thoughts rushed through my mind like freight trucks on an Interstate. And I wrote them down.

Among life's tougher choices: convertible or pickup truck?

One of life's realities: minivan.

When reality bites: I drive a four-door sedan.

That phrase, "He who dies with the most toys wins"? It's incomplete. Tools count, too.

Why do I keep getting spam e-mail about Viagra?

And why do I keep getting spam about penile enlargement, "the natural way"? I definitely do not want to know about "the unnatural way."

Phrases some men dream about: "Take us to periscope depth."

My advice for husbands: You should never joke with your wife about the old girlfriend who just goosed you at the department store.

When shopping for a couch, make sure it's comfortable. To sleep on.

The difference between men and women, Part 1: Women can talk about a man's hair loss, but a man talking about a woman's growing backside is taboo.

The truth is, I like my touch of gray. It's the rest of my aging body that annoys me.

Phrases some men dream about, continued: "Beam me up, Scotty. This planet is boring."

One of life's fantasy choices: If you could be another guy for one day, who would you be: the winning quarterback on Super Bowl Sunday or Hugh Hefner on his birthday?

I want to be Michael Johnson, toeing the starting line at the Atlanta Olympic Games' 400-meter final. Or Laird Hamilton, surfing at Jaws, although I'm thinking 10 minutes at Jaws would be more than enough, thank you.

Really, I also think about money, too.

Fantasy life swap, Part 2: President Bush or President Bartlet?

In the end, the muse never arrived, unless you count Daisy the dog, who got my attention — woke me up, actually — by licking the back of my hand.

I sat there, scribblings committed to paper with no recollection of what prompted me to write them. But the Interstate of ideas was empty now. Not even a tow truck for the wrecks that didn't make it.

Only one thing left to write down.

Phrases from Real Men (Reality): "Yes, honey, I'll take out the trash and lock up before I come to bed."

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com or 525-8012.