By Michael Tsai
Advertiser Staff Writer

I want to like reality TV, really.

I want to like it the way I want to like the Dave Matthews Band, my receding hairline and Pepsi. Not because they deserve to be liked, but because it would make swallowing the inevitability of their existence so much easier.

If I could just sit there and watch "The Bachelor" or "Are You Hot?" without trying to asphyxiate myself with my own tongue, I'm sure I would have an easier road in life. I could exchange didja-sees with my running group. I could chuckle with appreciation when someone drops a "Survivor" reference into conversation, instead of making rude assumptions about that person's SAT scores.

Actually, I do love reality TV. The kind that involves two teams, a ball and — as George Carlin once said — a good chance of grievous bodily injury. So in that regard, maybe I and my fellow middlebrow menfolk — gimme a hallelujah bro-fos — are just reality TV snobs. We have our reality TV, and it's called sports. No contrived intrigues and deceptions (now that the XFL is gone). No wannabe actors and models acting (poorly) like regular Joes and Janes.

But back to the point. The fact that women in general and males under age 24 make up the majority of people who regularly tune in to "Joe Millionaire" and "Temptation Island" — as noted in a study by American Demographic — suggests that the type of reality that TV programmers are really interested in at the moment just isn't geared for older male sensibilities.

With that in mind, here are a few free suggestions for any network looking to increase their share of the grouchy, 30-something male market.

"The Get-Real World" — Six average-looking young adults share whatever house they can afford on their low-wage jobs, which they're forced to work at because no multibillion-dollar media corporation is helping them get auditions or internships. Between that and their community college classes, no one has enough time to sit and ruminate on what kind of person they are. No one gets to go to Jamaica when the show loses steam.

"Joe Bachelor" — "Actually, Zora, I'm already married ..."

"High School Reunion: The Other 400 Students" — Ten years after their high school graduation, classmates reunite to find that nothing has changed. The popular are still popular. The geeks are still geeks. And all of the really successful people are somewhere else.

"Survivor: Corporate Office" — 16 workers at a large corporation politic, position and form alliances in an effort to advance to upper management. Voters decide in what order the women and minority contestants will be eliminated before the tallest white male is declared the winner.

"I'm A Celebrity. No, Really, I'm a Celebrity" — When they aren't cruising the malls trying to get recognized, Mario Van Peebles, Adrian Zmed and Joyce DeWitt scream at their agents for not getting them a spot on "The Surreal Life."

"Fear Factor: The Bachelor" — A commitment-shy bachelor is forced to choose one woman to disinfect his bathroom, throw out his FHM collection, coordinate his clothes and insult his friends for the rest of his life.

"Who Hasn't Married J-Lo Yet?" — The last 10 heterosexual males in North America not yet linked to Jennifer Lopez vie for position behind B-Aff; Elizabeth Taylor uses the mid-season break to file suit for lifestyle infringement.

"American Idle" — An interactive show in which 30 million Americans sit on their sofa eating chocolate and watching reality-based TV.