Military families readjust to living together again
| • | Some Kane'ohe Marines return home |
By William Cole
Advertiser Military Writer
Six months ago, Navy submariner Jonathan Sontchi kissed his wife and 2-week-old son goodbye and deployed on a mission that later included involvement in the Iraq war.
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Last Tuesday, he and his shipmates aboard the USS Louisville came home, greeted by flag-waving and tearful families like thousands of others across the country who had not seen loved ones for six, seven or as many as 10 months.
Jonathan Sontchi is trying to make up for time lost with his 6-month-old son, Alex. Sontchi returned home on the USS Louisville last week to his wife, Meredith, and his son, who was just 2 weeks old when he left.
During those months are trials of separation and readjustment to a degree few outside the military know: missed birthdays and holidays, first steps and car break-downs, weekends with the family, bill-paying and housing moves, and often, not even being able to regularly say hello by phone or e-mail.
While most families go through such stressful situations, military families may have to face several — a move, a spouse deploying, and the suddenness of having to parent alone — at one time.
Sontchi, 30, an electronics technician 2nd class on board the USS Louisville, had to meet up with the Pearl Harbor-based submarine in Yokosuka, Japan, just two weeks after his son, Alex, was born.
The fast-attack submarine, gone a total of eight months, fired Tomahawk cruise missiles early in the war. Upon his return last Tuesday with 130 fellow crew members, Sontchi couldn't believe how his son had grown.
"Unbelievable. He's like quadrupled in size," the Kailua man said on the pier. "He has color in his eyes and the bluest eyes."
For Meredith Sontchi, the deployment was "awful."
"It was very tough seeing changes in the baby that I couldn't share with my husband — especially since it's our first baby," she said.
Coming home doesn't mean an instant return to pre-deployment normalcy. Chet Adessa, family advocacy prevention education specialist with the Navy's Fleet and Family Support Center at Pearl Harbor, said it takes six to eight weeks to readjust in a home situation where a spouse has been managing alone.
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Electronics Mate 2nd Class Lawrence Mooney said after being on board the Louisville for six months — like Sontchi, he was not on board for the first two months of the deployment — the readjustment extends beyond the family.
Jack Jabaley was ready to greet his father, Michael, when the Louisville returned.
The 22-year-old, who has been with the Louisville for three years, is having trouble with depth perception. "It's not safe for me to drive because everything for the last six months has been about three feet away from my face," he said the day after returning to Pearl Harbor.
Adessa said sailors have to re-adjust to shore life, including sleeping where there's actually quiet.
"We encourage them to take it easy — sort of be an honored guest at first, get a new indoctrination again," Adessa said. "Be supportive instead of critical when you get back."
Sometimes, returning military personnel want to take over the position or role they had while deployed.
"You're used to ordering people around on board ship for the past nine months," Adessa said, "and you come back, and your wife is saying, 'Excuse me?'"
Adessa didn't have any statistics on whether the divorce rate is higher because of deployment stress.
A study conducted at Fort Bragg, N.C., after three soldiers who returned from the fighting in Afghan-istan killed their wives, found the stress of a long deployment contributes greatly to marital problems.
Some view a deployment as a temporary separation, but if neither party is working on problems during the absence, they won't go away when a ship returns home, said Diane Droz-Morin, a clinical social worker with the Fleet and Family Support Center.
"A lot of the readjustment has to do with what was the quality of the relationship before folks deployed," she said.
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"My biggest advice is is always to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk — and even more important than that, listen."
Shanan Mooney, left, was among the many people who were reunited with loved ones when the USS Louisville returned last week. Mooney and her husband, Lawrence, have been married for only a year.
The Fleet and Family Support Center offers pre- and post-deployment support including counseling and briefings. Most ships also have family support groups.
If a ship requests it, the center will send one or two counselors out to conduct "return and reunion" briefings before sailors get home.
Those skills are being put to the test by Pearl Harbor sailors who have recently returned from Operation Iraqi Freedom and deployments up to nine months, including the destroyer Paul Hamilton, frigate Reuben James, and submarine Cheyenne.
Life on board a 360-foot submarine, where privacy is almost nonexistent, brings its own stress. Before reaching Australia about three weeks ago, the Louisville was at sea for 90 days.
A treadmill, stationary bicycle, some weights, a rowing machine and stair stepper "stuck around in miscellaneous places wherever they'll fit," represent the exercise equipment on board, Lawrence Mooney said.
When the Louisville got word its regular six-month mission had been extended, and it would be heading to the Persian Gulf, commanding officer Cmdr. Michael E. Jabaley Jr. surfaced the sub and let his crew have a day off to get some fresh air.
Crew members also were allowed to make three-minute phone calls home on two satellite phones on board.
Three Louisville sailors became new dads during the extended deployment; Jabaley managed to get home in time for the birth, and the other two got home soon after their children were born.
The close quarters, meanwhile, make for close bonds.
"Usually, we help each other out," Lawrence Mooney said. "Submariners are a very tight group. If something's wrong, we're going to take care of each other."
Shanan Mooney, whose husband had been gone for half of their one-year marriage, said working as a teacher's aide at Ka'iulani School helped her cope with the deployment. "The kids make me smile, and they keep me going," she said.
Jonathan Sontchi, who has been in the Navy for almost five years, but just returned from his first sea duty, said being away from his family was hard, and he's trying to make up for lost time with Alex, who was shy around him at first.
"I think what we did was worth it — my personal sacrifice compared to what needed to get done," he said. But whether the job is worth it he's not sure.
"I don't know — that's something that maybe only time can tell. To go out again, I don't know what it's going to be like when he's 2. Luckily, he was young enough that the things I did miss, he won't remember me missing."
