FAMILY MATTERS
Being a father is more than a one-man job

By Michael C. DeMattos

The role of father has changed over the years. In fact, some might say that fatherhood, like all familial roles, is a bit of a moving target reflecting the tenor of the times.

Over the years, fathers have been seen as primary providers, protectors, heads of households, disciplinarians and even nurturers. As the needs of the family have changed, so has the role of the father. In most cases, our own fathers serve as role models.

My father was a jack of all trades. In my youth, it seemed that nothing was outside his sphere of knowledge. If the plumbing went down, he fixed it. If mom needed more cabinet space, he built it. When the trees needed pruning, he could be found in the upper branches with saw in hand.

He was my hero, and in many ways, his legacy informs my view of fatherhood.

So, it was no surprise to my wife when I dropped everything last weekend to help a buddy who was building an addition to his house. To be honest, my motivation was quite selfish. You see my friend is a carpenter. My hope was that in helping him I would learn a thing or two about basic carpentry.

He would get cheap labor; my agreed upon fee was a meal and an adult beverage.

In return, I would get new knowledge that I could use on my own home front. My friend got what he was looking for and I got more than I could have hoped for.

We started early Saturday morning after a hot cup of coffee. The corner posts and beams were set the day before, so our task was to frame the structure. We would lay the joists and floor panels and set the studs for the walls.

We worked long and hard, but we also had fun. There was the typical ribald humor and good-natured ribbing that goes along with being a man, but the conversation inevitably drifted to family.

Though different in so many ways, both of us were negotiating the difficult task of fathering.

As the hammer fell and the drill whirled, I realized that I had missed a piece when considering what it is to be a father. As I look back in time, I see my dad's legs sticking out from under the house while he works on the plumbing. Slowly he reaches out his soiled hand and asks for the pipe wrench and there is my oldest brother handing it to him.

It is my uncle helping him build the cabinets and our neighbor bagging the leaves from the pruned tree. All three, my brother, uncle, and neighbor already fathers of their own children.

Twenty-five years later, I sat in a beach chair with beverage in hand.

My buddy fired up the grill and his wife took photos of the day's labor.

I was content knowing that in helping my friend build the addition to his house we were both adding to our homes; the metal frame in the background a metaphor for our future as fathers.

We are both a work-in-progress, but like our fathers before us, we are not alone.

Michael C. DeMattos has a master's degree in social work. He is a family therapist, educator, trainer, storyteller and angler, and lives in Kane'ohe with his wife and 6-year-old daughter. Reach him at: Family Matters, Island Life, The Advertiser, P.O. Box 3110, Honolulu, HI 96802; fax 525-8055; or write ohana@honoluluadvertiser.com.